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Writing Samples
Band 5

The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #strain #health #care #system #effort #education #lessons #school #curriculum
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There has
ever
Rephrase
apply
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been an increasing number of
obesity
Replace the word
obese
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people
Use synonyms
as well as
Linking Words
 the cost of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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medical care for
its
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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related
disease
Fix the agreement mistake
diseases
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. Many believe that
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
exercise
Use synonyms
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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school
education
Use synonyms
has
Verb problem
is
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 the best preventive
measures
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measure
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 to face
up to
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apply
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this
Linking Words
 issue. I
partially
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am partially
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 in favour of
this
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 statement as there are multiple reasons to become obese and solutions for the problems.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 the reason why
people
Use synonyms
 are suffering from putting on weight is
because
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because of
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 lack of
exercise
Use synonyms
. Physical
education
Use synonyms
at
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apply
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is one of the principal advantages of a decreasing proportion of overweight as pupils have a compulsory curriculum to do regular
exercise
Use synonyms
 at school,
such
Linking Words
 as ball games,
marathon
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marathons
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 and gymnastics. The purpose of those exercises is fundamentally to help
burning
Wrong verb form
burn
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 pupils’ energies,
keeping
Wrong verb form
keep
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 them fit and to motivate doing continuous
exercise
Use synonyms
out
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outside
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 of classwork.
Moreover
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, the younger age is better to obtain and learn knowledge of physical
education
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 and correct their habit, it is
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, therefore,
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therefore
Linking Words
 the chances are that the young will be more likely to do regular exercises throughout their life eventually,
as a result
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 of
this
Linking Words
prevent
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prevents
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 putting on
extra
Add an article
the extra
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 weight and
further
Linking Words
 adverse
health
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 problems, and reduce the cost of
Use synonyms
health
Add an article
the health
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 care system.
Secondly
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, the causes of becoming obese
is
Change the verb form
are
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 not only an insufficiency of
exercise
Use synonyms
 but
also
Linking Words
 eating habits and
lacking
Wrong verb form
a lack
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 of
health
Use synonyms
education
Use synonyms
are included
Verb problem
apply
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. If
people
Use synonyms
 regularly
incline
Wrong verb form
inclined
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 to have junk food,
such
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 as
fist
Correct your spelling
first
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 food, fatty snacks and sugary drinks, of
course
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course,
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 they will be beyond their BMI and get into trouble regarding
to
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apply
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their
health
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. It is obvious that those
people
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 need help to correct their daily diet practice and acquire basic knowledge of eating healthy food by providing a cooking class, counselling and appropriate learning opportunities in
school
Add an article
the school
show examples
 curriculum.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it is reasonably effective
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 reducing the population of overweight
people
Use synonyms
 with the combination of physical
exercise
Use synonyms
 and having
healthy
Add an article
a healthy
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 diet.
This
Linking Words
 way could lead to
significant
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a significant
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 positive
result
Fix the agreement mistake
results
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in
Change preposition
for
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 future
generation
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generations
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for
Change preposition
in
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a
Correct article usage
the
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 long term. In conclusion, being obese is not only one
reasons
Change to a singular noun
reason
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as well as
Linking Words
 solutions for these problems. I believe that the prevention of an increasing number of overweights should be tackled with various adequate directions.
Submitted by slowloris4444 on

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity rates
  • health care system
  • physical education
  • instill
  • long term
  • raise awareness
  • healthier lifestyle choices
  • nutritional education
  • active transport
  • quality of instruction
  • facilities and equipment
  • diet control initiatives
  • community sports programs
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