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The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #strain #health #care #system #effort #education #lessons #school #curriculum
There has
ever
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apply
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been an increasing number of
obesity
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obese
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people
as well as
 the cost of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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medical care for
its
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apply
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related
disease
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diseases
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. Many believe that
an
Correct article usage
apply
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exercise
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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school
education
has
Verb problem
is
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 the best preventive
measures
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measure
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 to face
up to
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apply
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this
 issue. I
partially
Add a missing verb
am partially
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 in favour of
this
 statement as there are multiple reasons to become obese and solutions for the problems.
Firstly
,
it is clear that
 the reason why
people
 are suffering from putting on weight is
because
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because of
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 lack of
exercise
. Physical
education
at
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apply
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is one of the principal advantages of a decreasing proportion of overweight as pupils have a compulsory curriculum to do regular
exercise
 at school,
such
 as ball games,
marathon
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marathons
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 and gymnastics. The purpose of those exercises is fundamentally to help
burning
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burn
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 pupils’ energies,
keeping
Wrong verb form
keep
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 them fit and to motivate doing continuous
exercise
out
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outside
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 of classwork.
Moreover
, the younger age is better to obtain and learn knowledge of physical
education
 and correct their habit, it is
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, therefore,
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therefore
 the chances are that the young will be more likely to do regular exercises throughout their life eventually,
as a result
 of
this
prevent
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prevents
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 putting on
extra
Add an article
the extra
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 weight and
further
 adverse
health
 problems, and reduce the cost of
health
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the health
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 care system.
Secondly
, the causes of becoming obese
is
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are
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 not only an insufficiency of
exercise
 but
also
 eating habits and
lacking
Wrong verb form
a lack
show examples
 of
health
education
are included
Verb problem
apply
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. If
people
 regularly
incline
Wrong verb form
inclined
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 to have junk food,
such
 as
fist
Correct your spelling
first
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 food, fatty snacks and sugary drinks, of
course
Add the comma(s)
course,
show examples
 they will be beyond their BMI and get into trouble regarding
to
Remove the preposition
apply
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their
health
. It is obvious that those
people
 need help to correct their daily diet practice and acquire basic knowledge of eating healthy food by providing a cooking class, counselling and appropriate learning opportunities in
school
Add an article
the school
show examples
 curriculum.
Therefore
, it is reasonably effective
on
Change preposition
in
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 reducing the population of overweight
people
 with the combination of physical
exercise
 and having
healthy
Add an article
a healthy
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 diet.
This
 way could lead to
significant
Add an article
a significant
show examples
 positive
result
Fix the agreement mistake
results
show examples
in
Change preposition
for
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 future
generation
Fix the agreement mistake
generations
show examples
for
Change preposition
in
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a
Correct article usage
the
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 long term. In conclusion, being obese is not only one
reasons
Change to a singular noun
reason
show examples
as well as
 solutions for these problems. I believe that the prevention of an increasing number of overweights should be tackled with various adequate directions.
Submitted by slowloris4444 on

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task achievement
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task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your ideas.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to the parallelism of your main points in the conclusion.
grammatical range accuracy
Check the grammar and verb agreement in your sentences.
coherence cohesion
Use appropriate transition words to improve the coherence and flow of your essay.
grammatical range accuracy
Vary your sentence structures to make your writing more engaging.
task achievement
Expand on your ideas and provide more relevant details.
grammatical range accuracy
Proofread your essay for spelling and punctuation errors.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity rates
  • health care system
  • physical education
  • instill
  • long term
  • raise awareness
  • healthier lifestyle choices
  • nutritional education
  • active transport
  • quality of instruction
  • facilities and equipment
  • diet control initiatives
  • community sports programs
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