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The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #strain #health #care #system #effort #education #lessons #school #curriculum
There has
ever
Rephrase
apply
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been an increasing number of
obesity
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obese
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people
as well as
 the cost of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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medical care for
its
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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related
disease
Fix the agreement mistake
diseases
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. Many believe that
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
exercise
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
school
education
has
Verb problem
is
show examples
 the best preventive
measures
Fix the agreement mistake
measure
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 to face
up to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
this
 issue. I
partially
Add a missing verb
am partially
show examples
 in favour of
this
 statement as there are multiple reasons to become obese and solutions for the problems.
Firstly
,
it is clear that
 the reason why
people
 are suffering from putting on weight is
because
Add the preposition
because of
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 lack of
exercise
. Physical
education
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
is one of the principal advantages of a decreasing proportion of overweight as pupils have a compulsory curriculum to do regular
exercise
 at school,
such
 as ball games,
marathon
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marathons
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 and gymnastics. The purpose of those exercises is fundamentally to help
burning
Wrong verb form
burn
show examples
 pupils’ energies,
keeping
Wrong verb form
keep
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 them fit and to motivate doing continuous
exercise
out
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outside
show examples
 of classwork.
Moreover
, the younger age is better to obtain and learn knowledge of physical
education
 and correct their habit, it is
Add the comma(s)
, therefore,
show examples
therefore
 the chances are that the young will be more likely to do regular exercises throughout their life eventually,
as a result
 of
this
prevent
Change the verb form
prevents
show examples
 putting on
extra
Add an article
the extra
show examples
 weight and
further
 adverse
health
 problems, and reduce the cost of
health
Add an article
the health
show examples
 care system.
Secondly
, the causes of becoming obese
is
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are
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 not only an insufficiency of
exercise
 but
also
 eating habits and
lacking
Wrong verb form
a lack
show examples
 of
health
education
are included
Verb problem
apply
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. If
people
 regularly
incline
Wrong verb form
inclined
show examples
 to have junk food,
such
 as
fist
Correct your spelling
first
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 food, fatty snacks and sugary drinks, of
course
Add the comma(s)
course,
show examples
 they will be beyond their BMI and get into trouble regarding
to
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
their
health
. It is obvious that those
people
 need help to correct their daily diet practice and acquire basic knowledge of eating healthy food by providing a cooking class, counselling and appropriate learning opportunities in
school
Add an article
the school
show examples
 curriculum.
Therefore
, it is reasonably effective
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 reducing the population of overweight
people
 with the combination of physical
exercise
 and having
healthy
Add an article
a healthy
show examples
 diet.
This
 way could lead to
significant
Add an article
a significant
show examples
 positive
result
Fix the agreement mistake
results
show examples
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 future
generation
Fix the agreement mistake
generations
show examples
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 long term. In conclusion, being obese is not only one
reasons
Change to a singular noun
reason
show examples
as well as
 solutions for these problems. I believe that the prevention of an increasing number of overweights should be tackled with various adequate directions.
Submitted by slowloris4444 on

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task achievement
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task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your ideas.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to the parallelism of your main points in the conclusion.
grammatical range accuracy
Check the grammar and verb agreement in your sentences.
coherence cohesion
Use appropriate transition words to improve the coherence and flow of your essay.
grammatical range accuracy
Vary your sentence structures to make your writing more engaging.
task achievement
Expand on your ideas and provide more relevant details.
grammatical range accuracy
Proofread your essay for spelling and punctuation errors.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity rates
  • health care system
  • physical education
  • instill
  • long term
  • raise awareness
  • healthier lifestyle choices
  • nutritional education
  • active transport
  • quality of instruction
  • facilities and equipment
  • diet control initiatives
  • community sports programs
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