IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Today children spend a lot of their free time watching TV. Do advantage outweigh the disadvantages if this practice?

#children #time #tv #advantage #practice
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It has been argued that children watch Television for long hours in their spare
time
Use synonyms
,
this
Linking Words
 activity
will bring
Verb problem
has
show examples
negative
Correct article usage
a negative
show examples
 impact
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their
health
Use synonyms
 and children do not have productive
time
Use synonyms
. It is not
benefited
Replace the word
beneficial
show examples
 for kids to use their leisure
time
Use synonyms
 in front of
Television
Correct article usage
the Television
show examples
, it is better for them to use their
time
Use synonyms
 in
productive
Change the article
a productive
show examples
 way. They can do useful activities which bring
positive
Correct article usage
a positive
show examples
 impact
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 themselves. A great example is reading books, by reading many books they can gain
broaden
Replace the word
broad
show examples
 knowledge and useful information for themselves. In
this
Linking Words
 way, their
time
Use synonyms
 will be more useful rather than watching.
In addition
Linking Words
 to that, kids can join volunteer activities to gain experiences, and they can bland in the societies. Children will learn
live-lessons
Correct your spelling
live lessons
show examples
 and
improved
Wrong verb form
improve
show examples
 their social
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
 by joining volunteers. Another drawback
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 sitting for many hours in from of
TV
Correct article usage
the TV
show examples
 is
health
Use synonyms
issue
Fix the agreement mistake
issues
show examples
. Pupils do not have
time
Use synonyms
 to do exercises during their busy days at
schools
Fix the agreement mistake
school
show examples
, and
then
Linking Words
,
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
their
Change the word
the
show examples
weekend
Fix the agreement mistake
weekends
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, they sit for long hours
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
watching. It is inevitable that students will gain obesity
duo
Correct your spelling
due
show examples
 to
this
Linking Words
life-style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
show examples
. So
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
, pupils should care about their
health
Use synonyms
 by doing exercises in their spare
time
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, it is not
necessaries
Replace the word
necessary
show examples
 to join
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
any
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 clubs or go to the gym. Young people can start their activities at home by working in their gardens or cleaning their houses. As aforementioned above, the disadvantages of watching TV
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
outweigh the
benefit
Fix the agreement mistake
benefits
show examples
 duo to several reasons, those are
health
Use synonyms
 issues and not
productive
Add a missing verb
having productive
show examples
time
Use synonyms
. So, it is generally mentioned by many people that
using
Wrong verb form
we use
show examples
 our
time
Use synonyms
 properly and
doing
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 useful
activity
Fix the agreement mistake
activities
show examples
 for ourselves.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

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task achievement
The essay lacks a clear thesis statement. Make sure to clearly state your opinion on whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
coherence cohesion
The supporting points in each paragraph need to be expanded and explained further to develop a more cohesive and well-supported argument.
task achievement
Provide specific examples and evidence to support your arguments. This will make your points more convincing and strengthen your essay.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion is too brief. Summarize your main points and restate your opinion in a more detailed manner.
lexical resource
Use a wider range of vocabulary to enhance your essay. This will make your writing more sophisticated and engaging.
grammatical range accuracy
There are some grammatical errors in your essay. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement and the correct use of prepositions.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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