IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Write about the following topic: Women are better at childcare than men therefore they should focus more on raising children and less on their working life. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own experience. Write at least 250 words.

#minutes #topic #women #childcare #men #focus #children #life
While
 our modern society strongly supports mothers to reenter and stay in employment, contrary perspectives assume that
women
 should place an emphasis on raising their
children
due to
 their suitability for
childcare
. It is my belief that it is beneficial for the development of
children
 to divide
childcare
 equally between both
parents
 and
meanwhile
Add a comma
meanwhile,
show examples
 a higher number of
women
 in employment leads to more outweighed
economical
Replace the word
economic
show examples
 decisions. Sharing time with
children
 well-balanced, results in a child’s broader and multilayered point of view. Despite adolescents often
look
Wrong verb form
looking
show examples
 for
role-models
Correct your spelling
role models
show examples
 in society
such
 as
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 stars or musicians,
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 influential part of their
lifes
Correct your spelling
lives
show examples
 are their
parents
 as
closest
Correct pronoun usage
their closest
show examples
 contact persons. As
children
 acquire the majority of skills by their parent’s example,
parents
 should acknowledge their notable effect on their
children
. A primary example of
this
 affection is that a majority of
children
 follow their
parent’s
Change noun form
parents’
show examples
 career paths or adopt their
parent’s
Change noun form
parents’
show examples
 hobbies.
Furthermore
,
women
’s
opinion
Fix the agreement mistake
opinions
show examples
 are fully needed in
modern
Add an article
the modern
a modern
show examples
 economy. It has been shown that one
aspects
Change to a singular noun
aspect
show examples
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 decision-making is the decision-taker’s gender.
Therefore
, conclusions may distinguish between
women
 and men.
While
 men’s decisions are based on predominantly objective factors,
women
 mainly add emotional points. Both distinct approaches are reasonable and should be considered for successful economic actions. In conclusion, sharing
childcare
 between both parental parties can improve the child’s development and
contributes
Correct subject-verb agreement
contribute
show examples
a
Change preposition
to a
show examples
country’s economy.
While
children
 with various reference persons can expand their perspectives,
women
 meanwhile have the opportunity to take part in important occupational decisions, which leads
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 well-balanced conclusions.
Therefore
,
parents
 should consider
to share
Change the verb form
sharing
show examples
 their accountability in
childcare
.
Submitted by nina-zimmer on

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coherence cohesion
Provide a stronger introduction and conclusion that clearly state your position.
task achievement
Use more specific and concrete examples to support your points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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