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Writing Samples
Band 4

The crime rates nowadays are decreasing compared to the past due to advance technology which can prevent and solve crime. Do you agree or disagree?

#crime #rates #advance #technology
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Due to
 evolving technology, it is said that the amount of crimes
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 been lessened compared to the numbers we have in the past. I disagree with
this
 notion, because with the number of killings and stealings
that
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 happening at the moment around the world, no surveillance cameras and smartphones have evidently stopped these wrongdoings,
in contrast
 in the past, it has gone to worse. Nowadays, despite being filmed by many people, youngsters nonchalantly stab random strangers because of boredom. Even though they are broadcasted all over the world, the lack of education and weak punishments from law, will not stop these young people from doing
such
 acts. It appears to me that if the government would not bestow heavier
sunctions
Correct your spelling
sanctions
functions
sections
 to young criminals in today's time,
such
 as imprisonment, they will not understand the weight of stabbing someone and losing their lives. Another reason why I believe that technology,
such
 as CCTV is not as effective in reducing the rates of crime is because supermarkets in many places are declaring to experience losses in profit because of shoplifters.
This
 is a familiar scene in Melbourne, Victoria, wherein Woolworths, one of the popular supermarkets, have police in their
self check-out
Add a hyphen
self-check-out
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 counters.
This
 is because criminals still manage to steal items despite the cameras
in
Change preposition
on
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 each counter. In conclusion,
Although
Correct word choice
apply
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the advancement of technology provided security and records on people in various ways compared
in
Change preposition
to
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 the past. In my opinion, it did not specifically
reduced
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reduce
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 the crime rates as
evident
Replace the word
evidenced
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to
Change preposition
by
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 the increasing numbers of
stabbing
Fix the agreement mistake
stabbings
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 of children and shoplifting incidents in many food centres.
Submitted by mjdf0930 on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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