IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people think that children nowadays have too much freedom. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #children #freedom
Nowadays,
children
 grow up in an environment with a large variety of opportunities and selections, which
give
Correct subject-verb agreement
gives
show examples
 rise to the discussion of whether we should control the amount of
freedom
 that
children
 have. I hold a partially different view on
this
 matter.
While
 some
restriction
Fix the agreement mistake
restrictions
show examples
 imposed by adults are crucial, granting
children
freedom
 is essential for developing their self-learning abilities, which will gain benefits in
Correct article usage
the long-term
show examples
long-term
Correct your spelling
long term
show examples
.
To begin
 with, allowing
children
 their
freedom
 and independence is important for the development of career decisions, and shouldering responsibilities for their actions. For some Asian
children
, many parents pave the way for their child. They set up high
standard
Fix the agreement mistake
standards
show examples
 for their
children
 to follow, and even decide their occupation and marriage.
Children
 often
grown
Change the form of the verb
grow
show examples
 up with high pressure and the thought of meeting the expectation of their parents, which cause lots of emotional stress and sometimes lead to the tragedy of depression and suicide that we occasionally see on
news
Correct article usage
the news
show examples
. That’s why it is important that we grant our kids
freedom
 to decide their own career path, not only to ensure they have their own drive and motivation but
also
 for them to take
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
responsibility
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 decisions they
made
Wrong verb form
make
show examples
.
However
, I believe that a certain amount of supervision by adults is still necessary.
Children
 nowadays have easy access to a wide variety of information. The internet, in my opinion, is a double-edged sword.
While
 it allows youngsters to learn almost
everthing
Correct your spelling
everything
 we can imagine
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
, without proper filtration, they may access
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
content that should not be watched,
such
 as violent videos. Without the ability to discriminate rights and wrongs, they might go down the wrong path. In conclusion, I believe that granting
children
freedom
together with
 some guidance from adults, is crucial for
healthy
Add an article
the healthy
show examples
 development of their young minds.
Submitted by jessieiniar1202 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
The essay addresses the prompt and presents a clear argument. However, the introduction and conclusion could be strengthened to provide a more robust framework for the essay.
coherence cohesion
The essay demonstrates a good logical structure and is well-supported with relevant examples. However, the introduction and conclusion could be improved to better frame the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: