IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that sports involving violence, such as boxing, martial arts, should be banned from TV as well as from international sporting competitions. To what extent do you agree?

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It is argued that
sport
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sports
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activities
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 like boxing or martial
arts
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 are cruel and should be forbidden on television and
international
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in international
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 competitions. I totally disagree with that statement , my opinion is
opposite
Correct article usage
the opposite
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,
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apply
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 because
such
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activities
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 could reduce the number of crimes and
also
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 is good for physical and mental
health
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 .
To begin
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 with, nowadays,
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
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 of
population
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the population
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believe
Correct subject-verb agreement
believes
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 that watching and taking part in
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
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martial
arts
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 can increase
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level
Add an article
the level
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 of violence and should be restricted on TV and national championships. I think,
otherwise
Linking Words
, watching or taking part in that kind of
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activities
Fix the agreement mistake
activity
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, especially among youngsters, could minimise
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level
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the level
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 of crime.
Moreover
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, it is scientifically
proofed
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proven
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, that if an individual
spend
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spends
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 his energy and emotions attending
sport
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sports
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activities
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 , he won't have
a
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the
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desire to fight in real life.
On the contrary
Linking Words
, if a person accumulates negative emotions and aggression and
have
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has
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 no place
where
Rephrase
apply
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to spend it , he could start fighting with innocent
people
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.
Also
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,
that
Correct determiner usage
those
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kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
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 of
activities
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 are good for physical and mental
health
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. Today,
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
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 of
people
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 have
really
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a really
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 busy lifestyle,
a
Correct word choice
and a
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lot of issues to solve , so, the
level
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 of stress is very high. On
this
Linking Words
 occasion, it is important to minimise the stress , boxing or mortal
arts
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 could be a very good solution to calm
person's
Correct article usage
a person's
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 mind and become more relaxed.
Also
Linking Words
,
such
Linking Words
activities
Use synonyms
 are good for
Correct article usage
a persons
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persons
Change noun form
person's
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 physical
health
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 and coordination. Especially for kids, to improve coordination skills and to strengthen the skeleton and muscles. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 some
people
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 believe that boxing and mortal
arts
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 should be banned, my opinion is
opposite
Correct article usage
the opposite
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, governments should
to
Change the verb form
apply
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think
how
Change preposition
about how
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 to support that
kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
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 of
Use synonyms
activities
Fix the agreement mistake
activity
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,
Remove the comma
apply
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because they have
positive
Add an article
a positive
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 influence on
people
Use synonyms
's mental and physical
health
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 and help to reduce
Use synonyms
level
Add an article
the level
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 of crime.

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Task Response
Task Response: The essay provides a clear response to the question, presenting a well-structured argument in favor of sports involving violence. However, ensure that the opposing viewpoint is adequately addressed and countered to provide a balanced argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Coherence and Cohesion: The logical structure is generally coherent, but the essay lacks a strong introduction and conclusion. Ensure that each paragraph connects logically to the next and that the introduction and conclusion effectively frame the argument and provide a cohesive framework for the essay.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • combat sports
  • glorification of violence
  • impressionable audiences
  • cultural heritage
  • self-discipline
  • sportsmanship
  • media portrayal
  • regulatory measures
  • censorship
  • psychological impact
  • broadcasting regulations
  • watershed timing
  • advocates and opponents
  • ethical considerations
  • economic implications
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