IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that sports involving violence, such as boxing, martial arts, should be banned from TV as well as from international sporting competitions. To what extent do you agree?

#people #sports #violence #arts #tv #competitions
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It is argued that
sport
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sports
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activities
Use synonyms
 like boxing or martial
arts
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 are cruel and should be forbidden on television and
international
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in international
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 competitions. I totally disagree with that statement , my opinion is
opposite
Correct article usage
the opposite
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,
Remove the comma
apply
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 because
such
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activities
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 could reduce the number of crimes and
also
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 is good for physical and mental
health
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 .
To begin
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 with, nowadays,
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
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 of
population
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the population
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believe
Correct subject-verb agreement
believes
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 that watching and taking part in
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
martial
arts
Use synonyms
 can increase
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level
Add an article
the level
show examples
 of violence and should be restricted on TV and national championships. I think,
otherwise
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, watching or taking part in that kind of
Use synonyms
activities
Fix the agreement mistake
activity
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, especially among youngsters, could minimise
Use synonyms
level
Add an article
the level
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 of crime.
Moreover
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, it is scientifically
proofed
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proven
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, that if an individual
spend
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spends
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 his energy and emotions attending
sport
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sports
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activities
Use synonyms
 , he won't have
a
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the
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desire to fight in real life.
On the contrary
Linking Words
, if a person accumulates negative emotions and aggression and
have
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has
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 no place
where
Rephrase
apply
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to spend it , he could start fighting with innocent
people
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.
Also
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,
that
Correct determiner usage
those
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kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
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 of
activities
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 are good for physical and mental
health
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. Today,
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
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 of
people
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 have
really
Add an article
a really
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 busy lifestyle,
a
Correct word choice
and a
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lot of issues to solve , so, the
level
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 of stress is very high. On
this
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 occasion, it is important to minimise the stress , boxing or mortal
arts
Use synonyms
 could be a very good solution to calm
person's
Correct article usage
a person's
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 mind and become more relaxed.
Also
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,
such
Linking Words
activities
Use synonyms
 are good for
Correct article usage
a persons
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persons
Change noun form
person's
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 physical
health
Use synonyms
 and coordination. Especially for kids, to improve coordination skills and to strengthen the skeleton and muscles. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 some
people
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 believe that boxing and mortal
arts
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 should be banned, my opinion is
opposite
Correct article usage
the opposite
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, governments should
to
Change the verb form
apply
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think
how
Change preposition
about how
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 to support that
kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
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 of
Use synonyms
activities
Fix the agreement mistake
activity
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,
Remove the comma
apply
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because they have
positive
Add an article
a positive
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 influence on
people
Use synonyms
's mental and physical
health
Use synonyms
 and help to reduce
Use synonyms
level
Add an article
the level
show examples
 of crime.
Submitted by tatjana040792 on

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Task Response
Task Response: The essay provides a clear response to the question, presenting a well-structured argument in favor of sports involving violence. However, ensure that the opposing viewpoint is adequately addressed and countered to provide a balanced argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Coherence and Cohesion: The logical structure is generally coherent, but the essay lacks a strong introduction and conclusion. Ensure that each paragraph connects logically to the next and that the introduction and conclusion effectively frame the argument and provide a cohesive framework for the essay.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • combat sports
  • glorification of violence
  • impressionable audiences
  • cultural heritage
  • self-discipline
  • sportsmanship
  • media portrayal
  • regulatory measures
  • censorship
  • psychological impact
  • broadcasting regulations
  • watershed timing
  • advocates and opponents
  • ethical considerations
  • economic implications
What to do next:
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