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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries today, the eating habits and lifestyles of children are different from those of previous generations. Some people say this has had a negative effect on their health. What extent do you agree or disagree?

#countries #habits #lifestyles #children #generations #people #effect #health
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Compared to previous generations, it is evident that the habits of
food
Use synonyms
 consumption and lifestyles of contemporary children
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 changed significantly.
Consequently
Linking Words
, there is a growing concern that these changes might
bring
Verb problem
have
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negative
Correct article usage
a negative
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 impact on their
health
Use synonyms
. I am inclined to stand with the proponents. To
initiate
Verb problem
begin
show examples
 with, many of the
health
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 concerns
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
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originated from the popularization of
fast
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the fast
show examples
food
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 industry. Fast
food
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 is known for its
high-fat
Correct your spelling
high fat
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 content, which often
lead
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leads
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 to obesity and is the major cause of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
cardiovascular diseases. Studies have shown that the increasing diagnosis of type II diabetes is highly correlated with the amount of fat consumed, and is caused by the interference with our metabolic pathways.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the consumption of processed
food
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 in our daily diet has increased strikingly in our generation.
Food
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 was manufactured by adding various artificial additives and preservatives for better
flavor
Change the spelling
flavour
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 and for longer preservation, which would undeniably increase the burden
of
Change preposition
on
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 our
kidney
Fix the agreement mistake
kidneys
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 and is detrimental
for
Change preposition
to
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 our
health
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especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
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 for our children in
Correct article usage
the long-term
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long-term
Correct your spelling
long term
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. The development and modernization of our lives have
also
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 altered remarkably. The invention of
Internet
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the Internet
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, in my opinion, is a
double-edges
Correct your spelling
double-edged
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 sword.
While
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 it provides children a wide variety of opportunities for self-learning without physical barriers, the chances to suffer from Myopia and to access violent
contents
Fix the agreement mistake
content
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 has increased, which are both harmful
for
Change preposition
to
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 their well-being physically and mentally. Another example of
modern
Correct article usage
a modern
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 lifestyle that
deteriorate
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deteriorates
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 children’s
health
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 is that, with the rising of sanitation standards, kids nowadays have less opportunity to contact with pathogens.
Hence
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, immunologists
has
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have
show examples
 come up with the idea of
hygiene
Add an article
the hygiene
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 hypothesis, which provides
explanation
Add an article
an explanation
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to
Change preposition
for
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 the rising population that suffer from allergy and the increasing severance of autoimmune diseases. In sum,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 modern eating habits and lifestyles
has
Change the verb form
have
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 many drawbacks for children’s
health
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. Perhaps we should learn from the older generations for a healthier life.
Submitted by jessieiniar1202 on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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