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Band 3.5

The use of mobile phones is as antisocial as smoking. Smoking is banned in certain places so mobile phones should be banned like smoking. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#phones #places
Recently, the issue
has
Correct pronoun usage
that has
show examples
 been brought into focus is whether the government should be restricted. Some
people
 believe that using
smart
Correct your spelling
smartphones
show examples
phones
 is harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
show examples
 their health, but others say that it is a special device that helps them reduce time to do a job. In my opinion, using cell
phones
 has many benefits and is very different from smoking which just has detrimental effects on
people
’s health. No one can deny the fact that without mobile
phones
, individuals become unconnected with society and the world. Most mobile
phones
 nowadays usually have internet
such
 as 3G,
4G
Correct word choice
and 4G
show examples
. It makes economic progress through online shopping and promotions. The most familiar example of
this
 is the employer can
found
Wrong verb form
find
show examples
 the qualities
employees
Change preposition
of employees
show examples
 with a post on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
facebook
Capitalize word
Facebook
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.
However
, overuse
mobile
Change preposition
of mobile
show examples
 phone
also
 give disadvantage
such
 as not
have
Wrong verb form
having
show examples
 time for
people
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their family. It can
also
 be argued that information has been accessed faster than before. It is easy to learn on the internet by cell
phones
. A better example can be provided by many platforms share have provided the chance for young
people
 to learn a new major that was very difficult in the past.
However
, the rate of juvenile crime
had
Wrong verb form
has
show examples
 increased over the past 10 years because of affection from famous
people
 on the internet. In conclusion, mobile
phones
 can be useful depending on the way
people
 use them. It
so
Add a missing verb
is so
show examples
 different
with
Change preposition
from
show examples
 smoking which just
harm
Change the verb form
harms
show examples
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their health.
Submitted by sinh.ielts on

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coherence cohesion
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coherence cohesion
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lexical resource
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grammatical range
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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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