IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

30.The bar chart shows the electricity consumption and cost of various household devices per year. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant

30.The bar chart shows the electricity consumption and cost of various household devices per year. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant
#bar #electricity #consumption #cost #household #devices #year #information #features #comparisons
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The bar chart displays the proportion of
dependents
Use synonyms
 in
Japan
Use synonyms
,
Korea
Use synonyms
,
China
Use synonyms
,
Indonesia
Use synonyms
 and India in the years 2000 and 2005.
Overall
Linking Words
,
Korea
Use synonyms
 and
Japan
Use synonyms
 have the biggest
difference
Fix the agreement mistake
differences
show examples
 between both years. The other significant feature of
this
Linking Words
 chart is that
China
Use synonyms
 and
Indonedia
Correct your spelling
Indonesia
 are very similar. India had a percentage of around 38% in 2000, which was 2% more than
Korea
Use synonyms
 in second place, which only had a proportion of approximately 36%
Indonesia
Use synonyms
 and
China
Use synonyms
 had the same rate,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 was 35%,
while
Linking Words
Japan
Use synonyms
’s values was the lowest in 2000, which only had a rate of 31%.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the
world wide
Correct your spelling
worldwide
show examples
 average was nearly 33%.
Japan
Use synonyms
 increased its percentage of
dependents
Use synonyms
 to approximately 48% in 2005, but
Korea
Use synonyms
 made significant gains
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 them by
rising
Correct your spelling
raising
show examples
 their value by nearly 12% to just under 48% ranking as the second country with more
dependents
Use synonyms
.
Then
Linking Words
 is followed by
China
Use synonyms
 and
Indonesia
Use synonyms
 with more or less 37% and 36% respectively,
while
Linking Words
 India’s value dropped by 5% to nearly 33%.
Finally
Linking Words
, the
world wide
Correct your spelling
worldwide
show examples
 average grew
in
Change preposition
by
show examples
 7% to just over 40%.The bar graph displays the proportion of
dependents
Use synonyms
 in
Japan
Use synonyms
,
Korea
Use synonyms
,
China
Use synonyms
,
Indonesia
Use synonyms
 and India in the years 2000 and 2005.
Submitted by elenazheng1211 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
▼
Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words dependents, japan, korea, china, indonesia with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "displays" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "approximately" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "nearly" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "significant" was used 2 times.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: