30.The bar chart shows the electricity consumption and cost of various household devices per year. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant

30.The bar chart shows the electricity consumption and cost of various household devices per year. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant
The bar chart displays the proportion of
dependents
in
Japan
,
Korea
,
China
,
Indonesia
and India in the years 2000 and 2005.
Overall
,
Korea
and
Japan
have the biggest
difference
Fix the agreement mistake
differences
show examples
between both years. The other significant feature of
this
chart is that
China
and
Indonedia
Correct your spelling
Indonesia
are very similar. India had a percentage of around 38% in 2000, which was 2% more than
Korea
in second place, which only had a proportion of approximately 36%
Indonesia
and
China
had the same rate,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
was 35%,
while
Japan
’s values was the lowest in 2000, which only had a rate of 31%.
Furthermore
, the
world wide
Correct your spelling
worldwide
show examples
average was nearly 33%.
Japan
increased its percentage of
dependents
to approximately 48% in 2005, but
Korea
made significant gains
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
them by
rising
Correct your spelling
raising
show examples
their value by nearly 12% to just under 48% ranking as the second country with more
dependents
.
Then
is followed by
China
and
Indonesia
with more or less 37% and 36% respectively,
while
India’s value dropped by 5% to nearly 33%.
Finally
, the
world wide
Correct your spelling
worldwide
show examples
average grew
in
Change preposition
by
show examples
7% to just over 40%.The bar graph displays the proportion of
dependents
in
Japan
,
Korea
,
China
,
Indonesia
and India in the years 2000 and 2005.
Submitted by elenazheng1211 on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words dependents, japan, korea, china, indonesia with synonyms.
Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
Vocabulary: The word "displays" was used 2 times.
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 3 times.
Vocabulary: The word "approximately" was used 2 times.
Vocabulary: The word "nearly" was used 3 times.
Vocabulary: The word "significant" was used 2 times.

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