IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people think that the government is wasting money on the arts and that this money could be better spent elsewhere. To what extent do you agree with this view?

#people #government #money #arts
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Undoubtedly, a country's advancement depends entirely on where and how the capital budget is spent. In
this
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 epoch of technology, emphasising arts rather than
education
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 and well-being may not be a reliable approach to developing a nation.
Although
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 arts play a vital role in relieving stress and enhancing mental
health
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, investing funds in other sectors
such
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 as
education
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 and
health
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 would be lucrative in the long term. The legal authorities should allocate funds to the sectors that could surge the financial situation
such
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 as schools, universities and hospitals. Healthy citizens are the cornerstone of a healthy economy. So, pumping money into healthcare centres will promote hygiene and disease-free life and, in turn, generate revenue.
For example
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, Canada consumed one-third of their expenditure on the coronavirus vaccine to promote people's
health
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 so that they can go back to work without affecting others.
Besides
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this
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, learning is the fundamental right of everyone. Investment in higher
education
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 will give birth to an ingenious and skilled workforce.
For example
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, an excellent precedent is established by the government of Japan, subsidised higher
education
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 to their people.
Hence
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, the invention of high-tech companies
such
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 as Samsung and Nokia is the incredible result of
this
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 phenomenon.
Conversely
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, the paramount importance of the arts and traditions cannot be overlooked. Spending on recreational activities assists individuals in releasing stress and anxiety.
Thus
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, their mental
health
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 is promoted.
However
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, spending solely on leisure activities is worthless because they are not a significant source of national income.
To conclude
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, I firmly believe that the legislation should consume their expenditure on the departments that could assist them in earning rather than wasting the hard-earned dollars on innovative activities.
Therefore
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,
health
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 and
education
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 should be prioritised
while
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 distributing national funds.
Submitted by sdeepkaur9 on

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task response
Ensure that you fully address each aspect of the prompt, and provide a clear opinion on the topic.
coherence cohesion
Maintain a clear and logical structure throughout the essay, with well-defined introduction and conclusion.
lexical resource
Expand your range of vocabulary to include more varied and precise expressions.
grammatical range
Work on using a wider range of complex grammatical structures and sentence types to demonstrate a more varied command of English.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • enriching society
  • promoting cultural understanding
  • development of talent
  • creative industries
  • economic benefits
  • generate revenue
  • cultural heritage
  • identity
  • prioritize spending
  • needs of the majority
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