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Writing Samples
Band 7

the pie charts show The percentage of the working day adults spend doing difference activities in a country in 1958 and 2008.

the pie charts show The percentage of the working day adults spend doing difference activities in a country in 1958 and 2008.
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The pie charts display the proportion of activities performed by adults during the day in a country between 1958 and 2008.
Overall
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,it is evident that there's a significant increase in the proportion of young people working over the years.
To begin
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 with, In 1958,almost a third were engaged in Sleeping,
however
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, there was a steady decrease by 2008.
Furthermore
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,the rate at which people went out with their families and friends witnessed a drastic fall to 6% in 2008.
Additionally
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, the figures at which individuals travelled to work and relaxed at home rose to 8% and 13% respectively.
Although
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, the proportion
for
Change preposition
of
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 engagement in other activities remained constant at 6% from 1958 to 2008.
Finally
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,A significant surge was observed in the number of
persons
Replace the word
people
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 working, as it skyrocketed from almost a third of the entire percentage to 42% by 2008.

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Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "significant" was used 2 times.
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