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Band 6.5

Some students take one year off between finishing school and going to university to travel or work. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

#students #year #school #university #travel #work
Nowadays, some
students
 after graduating from high school tend to have a
gap
year
 before joining the
university
 to do some jobs or explore new places.In my opinion,
while
this
 trend may bring some drawbacks, I would argue they are overshadowed by the benefits. On the one hand, it can not be denied that
students
 are easily distracted from their attention to go to
university
 if they have a
year
 off.
This
 is because when teenagers take a break from their normal academia, they may lose interest in studying, leading to difficulty reintegrating into the learning environment.
Moreover
, in some cases, they are so absorbed in making money that they think going to college is not important and give up on it.
However
, a
gap
year
 brings for
students
 several benefits. First of all,
this
 is a great opportunity for
students
 to improve their shortcomings before entering
university
.
For example
, many
students
 in high school just spend most of their time studying so they lack some soft skills
such
 as
:
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 taking care of themselves or managing money, which are very important for an independent life in
university
.
Therefore
, by spending a
year
off
Replace the word
of
show examples
working or travelling, young people can have a chance to practice those skills.
Secondly
, a
gap
year
 allows
students
 to heighten their horizons. Visiting a new place and doing some voluntary work help
students
 meet new people and new cultures so they will have a broader perspective on life and their future. In conclusion, despite some drawbacks related to entering
university
, taking a
gap
year
 still brings
students
 more benefits, which help them expand their knowledge and improve themselves.
Submitted by ieltsamiedu on

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task response
The essay provides a clear response to the prompt and presents relevant examples to support the arguments. However, it could benefit from addressing potential counter-arguments to strengthen the argument further.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-presented, effectively framing the essay. However, the essay could improve coherence and cohesion by using transition words and phrases to improve the flow of ideas.

Fully explain your ideas

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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