IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

The graph below gives information about cinema attendance in Australia between 1990 and the present, with projections to 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant

The graph below gives information about cinema attendance in Australia between 1990 and the present, with projections to 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant
The line graph below provides details about moviegoers in different
age
Use synonyms
 groups(14-24, 25-34,35-49 and 50+) in Australia over
20-year
Correct article usage
a 20-year
show examples
 period There was
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 upward trend
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
however
Linking Words
, the opposite could be seen in the 25-34 year old
group
Use synonyms
. Notably, the proportion of teenagers
had
Verb problem
was
show examples
 the greatest
Check wording
apply
show examples
percentage
Use synonyms
 . →
Overall
Linking Words
, upward trends were witnessed in all 4
age
Use synonyms
 groups with the exception of the 25-34 year old category .Notably, the proportion of teenagers who went to
movie
Correct article usage
the movie
show examples
 theatre was greater than all categories In 1990,
14
Correct article usage
the 14
show examples
-24
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
 had the highest level with 90%, followed by
adult
Correct article usage
the adult
show examples
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
 with 60%. Over the next 2
years
Use synonyms
,
teenager
Replace the word
teenage
show examples
 viewers dropped slowly,
then
Linking Words
 increased significantly , hit the peak at 96% in 1996 and fell by 6% in 1998. Its
percentage
Use synonyms
 remained
steadily
Replace the word
steady
show examples
 over the period of 10
years
Use synonyms
, before
climbed
Wrong verb form
climbing
show examples
 substantially to the highest point , at 98% in 2010.
Similarly
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 slight increase was recorded in the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of 25-34 movie audiences, at 80% in 2002.
Then
Linking Words
 ,
adult
Correct article usage
the adult
show examples
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
 dropped moderately in the
last
Linking Words
 8
years
Use synonyms
,
ended
Wrong verb form
ending
show examples
 with 72%. The
elder
Replace the word
elderly
show examples
people
Check wording
apply
show examples
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
 was witnessed to be
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 lowest line with 40%, lower than
middle
Correct article usage
the middle
show examples
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
 by 20%. Over
4-year
Correct article usage
a 4-year
show examples
 period , there was
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 increase in the number of
elder
Replace the word
elderly
show examples
 people
attended
Wrong verb form
attending
show examples
 to cinema to 50%,
then
Linking Words
 the
percentage
Use synonyms
 fluctuated from 1994 to 2002. Over the
last
Linking Words
 8
years
Use synonyms
, the slow climb was seen
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the eldest
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
, at 60% in the final year.
Similarly
Linking Words
, the 35-49
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
 increased significantly to 70% in 1994. After the 8-year fluctuation , there was a considerable growth in the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
middle
Correct article usage
the middle
show examples
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
,
got over
Verb problem
surpassing
show examples
 the adult
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
 in 2006 with 80% and
finally
Linking Words
reached
Wrong verb form
reaching
show examples
 the second highest level with 85%

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "last, similarly".
▼
Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Vocabulary: Replace the words age, group, percentage, years with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 5 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "climbed" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 4 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "slowly" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "significantly" was used 2 times.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: