Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

Most
children
nowadays have hours of
screen
time
on their smartphones
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
daily
Correct article usage
a daily
show examples
basis.
This
fact happened
due to
lots of interesting features that
easily
Add a missing verb
are easily
show examples
accessible
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
the
smartphone
,
such
as child songs,
Youtube
Correct your spelling
YouTube
show examples
for kids, and a broad range of games. Considering the impact of social skills and
lacking
Wrong verb form
lack of
show examples
exercise
, I believe that the existence of smart devices could be a negative factor for
children
’s development.
Initially
, socializing in real life is important to grow the social skills that can’t be found in
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
show examples
.
Children
needs
Change the verb form
need
show examples
to socialize with their peers and elder people in various circumstances to drive their emotional stability. As an example, my
five-years old
Add a hyphen
five-years-old
show examples
cousin used to have a high
screen
time
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
her
smartphone
due to
COVID-19
condition
Fix the agreement mistake
conditions
show examples
that required us to stay at home during the pandemic.
This
behaviour has a major impact on her unstable
emotion
Fix the agreement mistake
emotions
show examples
compared to her older brother
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
socialized more
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
her age.
Furthermore
,
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
high
screen
time
took away
children
from doing
exercise
that
remain
Verb problem
plays
show examples
a vital role
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
their physical growth. To support
this
opinion, research shows that
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
higher
screen
time
leads to
decreasing
Wrong verb form
decreased
show examples
performance
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
child’s
Correct article usage
a child’s
show examples
brain development.
For instance
, we can see the growing
numbers
Fix the agreement mistake
number
show examples
of gyms that are intended for
children
to fulfil
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sufficient
exercise
in their golden age. In my country, most parents reacted positively by bringing their
children
to the gym as they
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
realized the importance of
exercise
for the
children
. In summary,
children
need to limit the
time
spend
Wrong verb form
spent
show examples
on their
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
show examples
concerning
Change preposition
because of
show examples
the negative influence on
the
Change the word
their
show examples
social development and physical growth aspect. By decreasing the
screen
time
gradually,
children
could enjoy more
time
in real life socializing and doing sufficient
exercise
.
Submitted by kania.tunggadewi on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: