IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #development
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Most
children
Use synonyms
 nowadays have hours of
screen
Use synonyms
time
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 on their smartphones
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
daily
Correct article usage
a daily
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 basis.
This
Linking Words
 fact happened
due to
Linking Words
 lots of interesting features that
easily
Add a missing verb
are easily
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 accessible
in
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on
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 the
smartphone
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,
such
Linking Words
 as child songs,
Youtube
Correct your spelling
YouTube
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 for kids, and a broad range of games. Considering the impact of social skills and
lacking
Wrong verb form
lack of
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exercise
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, I believe that the existence of smart devices could be a negative factor for
children
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’s development.
Initially
Linking Words
, socializing in real life is important to grow the social skills that can’t be found in
Use synonyms
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
show examples
.
Children
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needs
Change the verb form
need
show examples
 to socialize with their peers and elder people in various circumstances to drive their emotional stability. As an example, my
five-years old
Add a hyphen
five-years-old
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 cousin used to have a high
screen
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time
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 her
smartphone
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due to
Linking Words
 COVID-19
condition
Fix the agreement mistake
conditions
show examples
 that required us to stay at home during the pandemic.
This
Linking Words
 behaviour has a major impact on her unstable
emotion
Fix the agreement mistake
emotions
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 compared to her older brother
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 socialized more
in
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at
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 her age.
Furthermore
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,
a
Correct article usage
apply
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high
screen
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time
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 took away
children
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 from doing
exercise
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 that
remain
Verb problem
plays
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 a vital role
for
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in
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 their physical growth. To support
this
Linking Words
 opinion, research shows that
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
higher
screen
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time
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 leads to
decreasing
Wrong verb form
decreased
show examples
 performance
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
child’s
Correct article usage
a child’s
show examples
 brain development.
For instance
Linking Words
, we can see the growing
numbers
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number
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 of gyms that are intended for
children
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 to fulfil
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sufficient
exercise
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 in their golden age. In my country, most parents reacted positively by bringing their
children
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 to the gym as they
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
realized the importance of
exercise
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 for the
children
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. In summary,
children
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 need to limit the
time
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spend
Wrong verb form
spent
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 on their
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smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
show examples
concerning
Change preposition
because of
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 the negative influence on
the
Change the word
their
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 social development and physical growth aspect. By decreasing the
screen
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time
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 gradually,
children
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 could enjoy more
time
Use synonyms
 in real life socializing and doing sufficient
exercise
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by kania.tunggadewi on

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Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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