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Band 5.5

Nowadays, more people are migrating to other countries than ever before. In order to become integrated into society in their adopted countries, immigrants should abandon their old ways and adapt to local customs and codes of behaviour. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #countries #society #immigrants #customs #codes #behaviour
Many
countries
 in the world have war, disease and so on so
that
Correct word choice
apply
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a low quality of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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life
of
Change preposition
for
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 resident raise
desire
Add an article
the desire
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 to migrate to other
countries
. But they have to integrate into society in other
countries
,
newcomers
 should try to adapt to local customs and codes of
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
. Personally, I completely agree with
this
 view.
Firstly
, the option
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
newcomers
 should find out everything about the law in
that
Correct determiner usage
those
show examples
countries
 is attractive because if they do not obey
law
Add an article
the law
show examples
, society would not function properly.
This
 can be explained by the fact that road rules
have
Verb problem
are
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 different in each
countries
Change to a singular noun
country
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 so
newcomers
 can make
accident
Correct article usage
an accident
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 if they do not know.
For example
, some
countries
 allow owning a gun but in other
countries
Add a comma
countries,
show examples
 gun is not allowed to use.
Therefore
, immigrants are deported back
their
Change preposition
to their
show examples
countries
 by the government in new
countries
.
Secondly
, immigrants should remember that societies are built on shared values so they have to respect that.
This
 is because
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the world
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 many different cultures
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
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 the
countries
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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more interesting.
In
Change preposition
On
show examples
 the other hand, if the
countries
 have a lot of different cultures, people feel they do not belong there so societies are weak. So that the similarities between people bring them together
while
 the differences pull them apart.
For example
, if two
countries
is
Change the verb form
are
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 close and their resident
migrate
Change the verb form
migrates
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, their
countries
 have cross-cultural
because
Add the preposition
because of
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 many cultural combine,
exchange
Correct word choice
and exchange
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.
As a result
, many people in new
countries
 can settle down and make new generations understand two cultures. In conclusion, it seems to me that
newcomers
 should adapt to local customs and
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 because they must integrate to improve
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
life in new
countries
. It is advisable that the government should make
condition
Fix the agreement mistake
conditions
show examples
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
for immigrants.
Submitted by anhnn201 on

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task achievement
Provide a clearer thesis statement at the beginning of the essay.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that all sentences in the paragraph are focused on supporting that topic.
lexical resource
Use a wider range of vocabulary to express ideas more accurately and precisely.
grammatical range and accuracy
Pay attention to subject-verb agreement and article use.
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