IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this messages?

#cultures #children #messages
It is true that in some communities with different cultures, people tell their
children
 to make every effort to achieve whatever they want.
This
 way of upbringing has several advantages and disadvantages which will be discussed in the following essay. On one hand, telling
children
 to do their best to obtain
its
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
profits, has a variety of benefits for them.
Firstly
, childhood is the best period of humans' life to learn and be taught and
children
 are ready to accept each right behaviour
such
 as hard
working
Replace the word
work
show examples
, respect
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the elderly
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
etc. So, they will keep them in their mind until the end of their life and follow them.
Secondly
, when they try hard to reach something,
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the end they will know the value of that thing and how much it is worth.
For instance
, when a young child
earn
Change the verb form
earns
show examples
 money himself, he will not throw it around and waste it.
Finally
, they will understand
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
how enjoyable it is to get something with difficulty.
On the other hand
, adults should not have any expectation from
children
 to act older than their ages and have mature behaviour because it may have opposite consequences.
Furthermore
,
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 these ages, parents not only should not force their
children
 to do something
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 should support them and let them live their childhood and learn from their mistakes.
Hence
, kids should not be
worry
Wrong verb form
worried
show examples
 about any effort or attempt from
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 early age and they must focus on playing and studying. In conclusion, telling
children
 about trying hard to obtain whatever they want from the beginning of their childhood,
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 both advantages and disadvantages.
Submitted by z.rajabi on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Make sure to fully address all parts of the essay question and provide a clear opinion or stance.
coherence cohesion
Ensure a clear and logical structure throughout the essay. Start each paragraph with a topic sentence that relates to the main idea of the essay.
lexical resource
Expand your vocabulary and use a wider range of words and phrases to express your ideas.
grammatical range
Pay attention to sentence structure and grammar to avoid errors and improve overall clarity.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: