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Band 6

Many people sayt that we now live in ,,consumers societiesʼʼ where money and possessions are given to much importance. To what extent do you agree or diagree

#people #sayt #consumers #societiesʼʼ #money #possessions #importance #diagree
In the contemporary era, there is an ongoing debate about whether
money
 and position get the maximum priority or not. I strongly believe that consumerism results in a classification between rich and poor on the basis of possessions and power. Technology is advancing by leaps and bounds everywhere.
That is
 why, we can see new devices and accessories with advanced features. Those who have enough
money
, can easily afford anything and replace their old devices with newer ones.
For example
, a survey by Bangladesh IT has published that 40% of
people
 in Bangladesh
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 have the tendency to cope with the new trends, and among them, around 35% of individuals are belonged to high-class families.
Further
, in most cases,
people
 who are from sophisticated societies, hold the top position of an organization.
Consequently
, in a consumer society,
people
 who are affluent, achieve more opportunities.
On the other hand
, deprived
people
 can not fulfil their expectations because of myriad barriers.
For example
, if a man from
middle-class
Add an article
a middle-class
show examples
 family, wants to start a business by taking a loan from a bank,
then
 the bank authority will not give him the
money
 because of
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of security to return the
money
. So, in
this
 case, though he may have a proper plan
instead
 his family background is a great resistance to him.
Moreover
,
for ensuring
Change preposition
to ensure
show examples
 a profit, a business needs some time and opportunities. But
unprivileged
Add an article
the unprivileged
show examples
 public does not get any time, as they have to compete with other established companies to survive
themselves
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
in
this
 competitive market.
As a result
, sometimes small companies decline within a short period.
Overall
, it is a fact that consumerism has a massive influence on our society. Though it creates classification
as well as
 monopoly, it is true that those who can adapt themselves to
this
 competitive world can develop and progress easily.
Submitted by rummanurrahad2038 on

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task response
Make sure to fully address the prompt and provide a clear stance on the issue. In this essay, you have made your opinion clear, but it would be beneficial to provide a more nuanced argument and consider counterarguments.
coherence and cohesion
The overall organization and logical structure of the essay is sound. Each paragraph addresses a specific aspect of the topic and the main points are supported with relevant examples. Well done!
lexical resource
Your use of vocabulary is generally good and appropriate for the topic. However, try to incorporate more varied and sophisticated vocabulary to demonstrate a wider lexical range.
grammatical range
There are some minor grammatical errors throughout the essay. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and sentence structure. Proofread your work carefully to eliminate these errors.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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