IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people believe that only employees who have worked at a company for a long time deserve to be promoted to a higher position. What is your opinion about this?

#people #employees #company #time #position
When working at a
company
 the main goal is to not stay
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the same position, there is
need
Correct article usage
a need
show examples
 for growth and
also
 getting a higher salary. It is debatable that to be promoted at a
company
one
 needs to be working for them for a long time. I disagree with
this
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because I feel that you just need the right knowledge .
This
 essay is going to bring out my opinion on the matter. To a greater extent, I strongly disagree with those who believe they need to stay with the organisation for
Correct your spelling
quite
show examples
quiet
Correct your spelling
quite
show examples
 a number of years to get promoted,
that is
 not the case, for an individual to get a raise it means, there is a change on the quality of work that they are doing or someone keeps improving on how they are handling their daily duties and understanding what is needed,
for example
one
 needs to know how to achieve goals in a timely manner There is
also
need
Correct article usage
a need
show examples
 to evaluate a
person
's qualifications,
for
example
Add a comma
example,
show examples
 some people have
honours
Correct article usage
an honours
show examples
 degree whilst others only have
undergraduate
Add an article
an undergraduate
show examples
degree
Fix the agreement mistake
degrees
show examples
,
this
 means the
one
 with the high level of education needs to be promoted regardless of the time they worked with the
company
, for it is believed knowledge is the key
However
,
besides
 being qualified there is
need
Correct article usage
a need
show examples
 to evaluate a
person
 as a whole,
thus
 the attitude and behaviour. The two
goes
Correct subject-verb agreement
go
show examples
 hand in hand , and
one
 must show that they have the best interest of the business at heart.
Also
, they need to show signs that they are fair and selfless
On
Change preposition
In
show examples
contrast
Add a comma
contrast,
show examples
 I will
also
 not ignore the fact that being with the
company
 for a long time is a bonus, as
one
 will know every rule and what is expected. There are
routine
Fix the agreement mistake
routines
show examples
 that are usually followed that can easily be ignored by a new
person
To sum up
, I would say,
the
Correct word choice
that the
show examples
 best
person
 with the right knowledge and ideas, those with
growth
Correct article usage
a growth
show examples
 mindset should be promoted
Submitted by chikashabetty on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Make sure to provide clear and comprehensive ideas in each paragraph, supporting them with relevant specific examples.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of your essay is good, but you can improve the coherence by connecting your ideas more smoothly.
lexical resource
Expand your range of vocabulary to enhance your essay.
grammatical range
Pay attention to grammar accuracy and variety to further improve your essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: