IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people today feel that physical money will no longer be used in the future. Others feel it will still have some uses. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.

#people #money #future
Many hold the view that whether physical
money
 should be removed or not in the long term.
While
 I understand that there are several benefits of using
cash
, I believe other
cash
 replacements would be far more advantageous.
To begin
 with, physical
money
 is beneficial
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 two main reasons.
Firstly
, it is believed that using
cash
 perhaps be more
secured
Change the form of the verb
secure
show examples
 than a bank card in the era of
digital
Add an article
the digital
show examples
 world
nowadays
Rephrase
apply
show examples
.
For example
, thieves can easily go shopping online if your credit card details are hacked. In
this
 case, consumers would prefer physical
money
 over digital
one
Correct your spelling
money
show examples
.
Secondly
, since a number of old coins or note editions launched by
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 are relatively rare and valuable for sale or exchange, collectors might have a strong desire
for possessing
Change preposition
to possess
show examples
 them.
As a result
, completely removing physical
money
 seems not favourable.
However
, I believe
cash
 should be replaced by electronic forms of
money
 in the future. The first and very obvious reason is that
the
Change the word
its
show examples
 flexibility and convenience
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
itself
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
offers
Correct subject-verb agreement
offer
show examples
 a range of advantages.
For instance
, customers and businesses now can benefit from purchasing digitally thanks to online payment using credit or debit cards. Another advantage is that electronic payment
such
 as Apple
pay
Capitalize word
Pay
show examples
 likely
encourage
Change the verb form
encourages
show examples
 consumers to use less
cash
, which is safer to some extent by reducing
a
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the
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 number of robbers attempting to aim at vulnerable people
such
 as the old. The second reason is that as notes or coins are made of physical materials, generating or
disposing
Add the preposition
disposing of
show examples
 them is more likely to exert severe impacts on (pose a threat to)
environment
Correct article usage
the environment
show examples
.
Therefore
, getting rid of them should be taken into consideration in the future. In conclusion, it is believed that physical
money
 has its own advantages.
However
, it should be replaced by other digital forms of
money
 in the future because of
aforementioned
Correct article usage
the aforementioned
show examples
 reasons.
Submitted by ledinhan168 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that relates to the main argument.
task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples and evidence to support your arguments.
lexical resource
Expand your vocabulary by including more varied and precise word choices in your essay.
grammatical range
Pay attention to sentence structure and grammar to avoid errors and improve clarity.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial security
  • safety net
  • unforeseen circumstances
  • emergencies
  • future investments
  • retirement planning
  • financial discipline
  • habit of saving
  • amassing wealth
  • substantial fund
  • opportunity cost
  • additional income
  • inflation
  • purchasing power
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