IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people suggest that the solution to this problem is to increase the price of fattening foods. To what extent do you agree or disagree? You should write at least 250 words.

#people #price #foods
In the
fast evolving
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fast-evolving
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 world, the launch of new products has been introduced in the market.
People
 consume more than
the
Correct article usage
apply
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usual and they tend to gain weight.
This
 results in obesity. Obesity is the most dangerous disease that we face in today's world.
For example
,
People
 become couch potatoes and consume
large
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a large
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 amount of snacks
that
is
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are
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 junk
foods
 which contains rich fats
while
 watching tv.
Due to
 lack of
exercises
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exercise
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 and being
inactive
Add a comma
inactive,
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 they are gaining more weight. The solution to
this
 problem is
by increasing
Change preposition
to increase
show examples
 the price of fattening
foods
. I disagree with
this
 because increasing the price of a commodity does not bring any changes to
this
 issue.
People
 find comfort in their fast
foods
while
 eating so how much ever the price increases they tend to buy it even more as long as their cravings are satisfied.
People
 should be active in their
day to day
Add a hyphen
day-to-day
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 life. Taking up different activities like hitting the gym,
cyclying
Correct your spelling
cycling
, doing aerobic exercises, and
also
 swimming will help them lose their fat.
People
 should
atleast
Correct your spelling
at least
 spend an hour or two
do to
Wrong verb form
doing
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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activities in their daily
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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 to stay fit and healthy. And
also
 can change their diet plans by consuming less amount of sugar,fat,
oil
Correct word choice
and oil
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 to reduce their
cholestrol
Correct your spelling
cholesterol
 level. And switch to
orgainc
Correct your spelling
organic
foods
 like greens and vegetables. If they are
tempeted
Correct your spelling
tempted
 to eat fast
foods
 or junk
foods
 they can eat healthy snacks
such
 as
museli
Correct your spelling
muesli
 and grains and can consume chocolates that
contains
Change the verb form
contain
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 less fat.
Therefore
, in order to reduce their weight,
people
 need to consume 8
glass
Fix the agreement mistake
glasses
show examples
 of water per day and do enough
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
exercises
Fix the agreement mistake
exercise
show examples
 to stay fit and healthy.
Submitted by insighttribez on

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task response
To improve your task response score, it is important to fully address the prompt and provide a clear response to the question. In this essay, while you discuss obesity and the consumption of fattening foods, you do not explicitly state your agreement or disagreement with the solution of increasing the price of these foods. Make sure to clearly express your position on the given topic.
coherence cohesion
To improve your coherence and cohesion score, work on the organization of your essay. Provide a clear introduction that introduces the topic and your position, and a conclusion that summarizes your main points. Additionally, make sure to use appropriate transition words and phrases to connect your ideas and create a logical flow. In this essay, although you touch on various activities to lose weight, they lack a clear connection to the topic of increasing the price of fattening foods. It is important to maintain focus on the given topic throughout the essay.
lexical resource
To improve your lexical resource score, work on expanding your vocabulary and using a wider range of words and phrases to express your ideas. Additionally, pay attention to word choice and use of appropriate academic and formal language. In this essay, there is repetitiveness in the use of terms like 'fast foods' and 'junk foods'. Try to vary your language and use synonyms or alternative expressions.
grammatical range
To improve your grammatical range score, focus on sentence structure, verb tenses, and grammatical accuracy. Make sure to use a variety of sentence types, such as simple, compound, and complex sentences, to demonstrate your language proficiency. Additionally, check for errors in subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and punctuation. In this essay, there are some errors in sentence structure and subject-verb agreement. Proofread your essay carefully to identify and correct such errors.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • overweight
  • fattening foods
  • calorie-dense
  • healthier food choices
  • taxation
  • economic implications
  • social implications
  • subsidies
  • nutritional education
  • public health campaigns
  • nanny state
  • individual's right
  • consumer behavior
  • preventative measures
What to do next:
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