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Band 7.5

Nowadays, celebrities earn more money than politicians. What are the reasons for this? Is it a positive or negative impact?

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Nowadays,
celebrities
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 can earn more
money
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 compared to people who work for the government.
This
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 has happened for several reasons, mainly because of the development of the Internet. I believe that
this
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 situation will lead to a negative impact, specifically
for
Change preposition
on
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 the future of our country. There are two main reasons that support
celebrities
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 to generate more
money
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.
First,
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advanced technology enables
celebrities
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 to publish their creative works easily.
For instance
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, people can utilize online streaming platforms,
such
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 as YouTube and Instagram, to post their new songs.
As a result
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, they can gain a few million dollars through engagement and advertisement features. Another cogent reason is the freedom of expression offered by Internet services. People can post anything to make them viral and gather the public's attention.
Thus
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, they can take advantage of their fame to make more
money
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. I personally believe that
this
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 phenomenon is relatively negative for several reasons.
First,
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the enormous salary gap between
celebrities
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 and politicians will deter the young generation's motivation to participate in politics.
Therefore
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, the government potentially filled with less competent candidates.
This
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 condition will cause more social problems in our country,
such
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 as poverty, unemployment, and more.
Moreover
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,
this
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 condition will increase the possibility for public servants to commit crimes,
such
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 as
money
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 laundering and corruption.
This
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 possibly happens
due to
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 the low salary that comes with huge responsibility, which makes them not motivated to do their job. In conclusion, the fact that
celebrities
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 are paid more than political leaders now is caused by the variety of income sources available on the Internet, and supported by the culture of social media nowadays.
However
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, I believe that
this
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 is a negative trend which may lead to more incompetent individuals in government.

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task response
Your response is complete and addresses all aspects of the task. However, you could provide more specific examples to support your arguments.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of your essay is generally good, with an introduction and conclusion present. However, you could improve the organization of your main points to enhance coherence.
lexical resource
Your use of vocabulary is appropriate, and you demonstrate a good range of vocabulary. However, consider adding more varied and sophisticated vocabulary to enhance your essay.
grammatical range
Your grammar is generally accurate, with some minor errors. However, strive for more complex sentence structures and vary your sentence length to showcase your grammatical range.
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