IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

some people say that devoting one's time to family activities is more important than spending time working. Others believe that dedicating one's time to work is more inportant? discuss both view and give ur own opinion

#people #time #activities #work #inportant #ur
Some individuals argue that focusing on working is more vital.
However
, there is a more persuasive argument that it is crucial to spend
time
 with family affairs. In
this
 essay, I am going to examine
this
 question from both points of view and
then
 explain why I agree with the former group. On the one hand, some citizens believe that spending an amount of
time
 can make sustainable money for families.
This
 is because when people work overtime, they can earn more money
as well as
 have an opportunity to get a promotion with higher salaries, which means that raising families becomes easier. Their kid can live in good conditions and facilities.
On the other hand
, I believe that family activities should be devoted to building a bond relationship with their members. When parents play with their kids, they can become more happy and reduce stress from their work, which leads them to stick together.
For example
, going on a picnic, which is an exciting and fun activity for the family when they all have spare
time
. In
this
 activity, all members of the family can do a lot of things,
such
 as cooking and taking the family picture with breathtaking views.
Thus
, they will capture a lot of valuable memories.
To sum up
, both arguments have their merits.
While
 it is apparent that investing
time
 to work is a significant factor in employee's careers, it is undeniable that individuals ought to primarily concentrate on their families to have meaningful
time
 with each other.
Submitted by thinhhppro123 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Ensure that you fully address the prompt and provide a clear opinion on which is more important: spending time with family or working.
coherence cohesion
Continue to develop your logical structure by organizing your ideas in a cohesive manner throughout the essay.
lexical resource
Expand your range of vocabulary to express your ideas more precisely and effectively.
grammatical range
Pay attention to your sentence structure and grammar to ensure clear and accurate communication of your ideas.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: