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Band 5.5

Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

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Nowadays, more and more minors have an unhealthy way of living. Some people suppose
that is
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 the responsibility of schools,
while
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 others believe that
parents
Use synonyms
 should be responsible for addressing
this
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 problem. I believe that both adults and academies should be involved in solving
this
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 problem, and
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then
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apply
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the result will be a positive effect. On the one hand, it is generally accepted that school is where children spend much of their time. So, it affects the way students behave every day. If institutions organize many healthy
activities
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, children will have a good formative environment.
In contrast
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, students will adopt poor habits,
such
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 as being lazy, if their school does not actively promote healthy lifestyle
activities
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.
Furthermore
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, teachers can direct students to healthy extracurricular
activities
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 using their knowledge and experience.
On the other hand
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,
parents
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 are the people who live with and bring children up, so they have the main role in
this
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 situation. In the modern world, many adults are busy, and they do not have much time to take care of their
offsprings
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offspring
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.
As a result
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, their heirs may eat what they like, not what they need.
In addition
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, they only focus on television and the Internet
instead
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 of physical
activities
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. These issues can detrimentally impact the health of
such
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 young people.
Therefore
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,
parents
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 should direct their juvenile lifestyle towards healthier choices, by interacting with them more. In conclusion, I still believe that the most important role here is played by
parents
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,
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apply
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 because first of
all
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all,
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 they bring up their child. It is very important to teach him from childhood to take care of his health without anyone's instructions, but independently. And
then
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, if the child understands the seriousness of a proper diet,
then
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 there will be no problems at all.

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coherence cohesion
The essay presents a logical structure, but transitions between ideas could be enhanced for better readability. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly into the next.
task achievement
Your essay responds to the task with relevant arguments; however, in order to reach a higher score, ensure that all parts of the task are fully addressed with equal development and clear comprehensive ideas throughout.
task achievement
Include more relevant specific examples to support your arguments. Examples demonstrate your understanding of the topic and help to develop your points in a concrete way.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • unhealthy lifestyle
  • growing concern
  • crucial role
  • addressing this issue
  • promote healthy habits
  • educational programs
  • physical activities
  • establish healthy routines
  • nutritious meals
  • collaboration
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