IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The growing number of overweight people is putting a burden on the healthcare system in an efforts to deal with the issues involved. Some people think that the best way to solve this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

#people #burden #healthcare #system #efforts #education #lessons #school #curriculum
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The increasing number of overweight people
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 putting a burden on the healthcare system to deal with several issues involved. Some people argue that the best way to tackle
this
Linking Words
 problem is to introduce more
lessons
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of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 physical
education
Use synonyms
 in the
school
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curriculum
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. I personally agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement because it will help to encourage
students
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 to take
part
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 in physical
exercise
Use synonyms
 and it will increase awareness about physical
exercise
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. Introducing more physical
education
Use synonyms
lessons
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 in the
school
Use synonyms
curriculum
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 encourages
students
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 to take
part
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 in physical
exercise
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.
Students
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 will study physical
education
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lessons
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 and take
part
Use synonyms
 in physical
exercise
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 as an important
part
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 of their
curriculum
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. If
students
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 perform physical
exercise
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 every day as a
part
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 of their studies, it will eventually improve their health.
For example
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, many secondary
school
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students
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 in Bangladesh take
part
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 in physical
exercise
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 at least one hour in their
school
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 every day and
therefore
Linking Words
, they do not suffer from obesity and other health issues.
Moreover
Linking Words
, if physical
education
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 is introduced as a
part
Use synonyms
 of
Use synonyms
school
Add an article
the school
show examples
curriculum
Use synonyms
, it will increase awareness among the
school
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students
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 about the importance of physical
exercise
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. At early stages of their lives, these
students
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 will understand the importance of physical
exercise
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 and they will remain health-conscious for the rest of their lives.
For instance
Linking Words
, in Mumbai, India, around 76% of
students
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 are health-conscious because they study physical
exercise
Use synonyms
lessons
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 as a compulsory
part
Use synonyms
 of their studies. In conclusion, I personally believe that physical
exercise
Use synonyms
lessons
Use synonyms
 should be added to the
school
Use synonyms
curriculum
Use synonyms
 because it will encourage
students
Use synonyms
 to take
part
Use synonyms
 in
exercise
Use synonyms
, and will increase awareness about their health.
Submitted by rahman_rehana on

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task response
In the introduction, you clearly present your viewpoint, which aligns well with the task requirements. Ensure to maintain this clarity throughout the essay.
task response
Consider providing a few more detailed examples or statistics to strengthen your arguments and make your essay more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
Although the paragraphs are clear and organized, using a variety of cohesive devices could enhance the flow between ideas.
coherence cohesion
The logical sequence of your essay is good. Ensure each paragraph directly supports your thesis statement to maintain strong cohesion.
coherence cohesion
The essay maintains a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which enhances readability.
task response
You have presented a balanced view with well-defined points that support your main argument. This demonstrates effective task response.
task response
The use of specific examples from Bangladesh and India helps to substantiate your points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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