IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people believe that children should spend all of their free time with thrir family. Others believe that thid is unnecessary or even negative. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #children #time #thrir #thid
Whilst
people
 have a prevalent conception that youngsters should solely be allowed to
hang-out
Correct your spelling
hang out
show examples
 with their relatives, I think they should be given the freedom of choice to
opt
Verb problem
choose
show examples
 how to spend their
time
 with whomever they want. On the one hand, juveniles often have to bear the pressure exerted by their relatives for how to spend their leisure
time
 and being allowed to only pick their family
members
 to have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
company. Owing to their
conservatice
Correct your spelling
conservative
 beliefs,
people
 try to keep their kids away from
perils
Correct article usage
the perils
show examples
 of
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
society
such
 as developing bad habits like smoking, doing drugs, and alcohol consumption. It is not limited to certain bad habits, but
also
 to give a helping hand to the
younsters
Correct your spelling
youngsters
 to hone themselves into better individuals of future
socities
Correct your spelling
societies
 by spending their free
time
 wisely and prudently.
For example
, the majority of
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
countries now are implementing a similar technique to bring up their kids under
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
disciplined supervision by prohibiting them from
killing
Verb problem
spending
show examples
time
 with
people
 other than their own kin. On the flip side, the most pragmatic way of raising an individual goes through a comprehensive yet
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
intrinsic mix of events that occur
simultanously
Correct your spelling
simultaneously
. In order for
children
 to develop certain soft and social skills, they should be given a chance to actively engage with new personas so that those properties
could
Wrong verb form
can
show examples
 be learned by examples.
Furthermore
, limiting the social circle of
children
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
family
members
 only might be detrimental in many ways. As a vivid example of
this
,
children
 who spend their free
time
 with family
members
 only are inclined to be introverts when they are associated with foreigners. In conclusion,
although
 spending
time
 with family
members
 is a method to protect the
children
 from dangers of today's society, they should have the right to share their spare
time
 with the choice of their
people
 to increase their social skills
as well as
 quality of
time
 is being consumed.
Submitted by orkhanshamil on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and a logical flow of ideas. Use transition words and phrases to connect your sentences and paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Include a stronger introduction and conclusion that clearly address the topic and provide a preview and summary of your main points respectively.
lexical resource
Expand your range of vocabulary by using more specific and precise words. Also, pay attention to collocations to enhance the naturalness of your language.
grammatical range
Pay closer attention to grammatical accuracy, specifically verb tenses, subject-verb agreement, and sentence structure. Proofread your essay to eliminate any errors.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: