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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below shows the percentage of dependents in 2000 and predicted figures in 2050 in five countries, and also gives the world average.

The graph below shows the percentage of dependents in 2000 and predicted figures in 2050 in five countries, and also gives the world average.
#percentage #dependents #figures #five #countries #world
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The graph depicts
dependents
Use synonyms
 in 2000, valued
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
 percentage, and it predicts
amount
Correct article usage
the amount
show examples
 in 2050 in five nations and the world average.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is predicted that
dependents
Use synonyms
 in almost every country will be increasing by 2050, compared to 2000. As other nations
will be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
predicted
Wrong verb form
predict
show examples
 an increase, only India in 2050, will decline
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the percentage of
dependents
Use synonyms
. Five countries on the charts showed a rise
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
dependents
Use synonyms
, including Indonesia, China,
Korea
Use synonyms
, and
Japan
Use synonyms
. The most impressive
improvement
Change the noun form
improvements
show examples
 are
Use synonyms
Korea
Change preposition
in Korea
show examples
 and
Japan
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, in 2000,
Korea
Use synonyms
 had about 20 % of
dependents
Use synonyms
,
meanwhile
Add a comma
meanwhile,
show examples
Japan
Use synonyms
 had about just over 30 %.
Being
Wrong verb form
It is
show examples
 forecasted that
Korea
Use synonyms
 and
Japan
Use synonyms
 will have
dependents
Use synonyms
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 just over 40 %. Predicting these nations is similar
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
World
Correct article usage
the World
show examples
 average
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
improving from around 25 % to just over 40 %. On the other side, the percentage of
dependents
Use synonyms
 in India will be decreased.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, based on
prediction
Correct article usage
the prediction
show examples
,
declining
Wrong verb form
the decline
show examples
 of
dependents
Use synonyms
 will fall from about 39 % to 32 %.
In addition
Linking Words
, Indonesia and China have non-significant
improvement
Fix the agreement mistake
improvements
show examples
. Both countries will rise just under 10 % between 2000 and 2050.
Submitted by ginanjar.yogi.90 on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "furthermore".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words dependents, korea, japan with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentage" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "improvement" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "rise" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "just over" was used 3 times.
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