In recent years, there has been growing interest in the relationship between equality and personal achievement. Some people believe that individuals can achieve more in egalitarian societies. Others believe that high levels of personal achievement are possible only if individuals are free to succeed or fail according to their individual merits What is your view of the relationship between equality and personal success.

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Many
people
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

argue that
people
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It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

are likely to achieve more in societies with egalitarian principles
while
Linking Words

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others take the view that a certain level of achievement comes
along with
Linking Words

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individual merits. In my opinion, I completely concur with the idea that egalitarian societies would support one’s achievements and remain a valid concern about the feasibility only if
people
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

are free to succeed and fail.
Firstly
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, a competing environment can lead to more self-accomplishment, but
this
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can even demotivate
people
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

. When offering individuals a free-wheeling life, they will not be judged and not be restrained in the pathway of anyone's success.
Therefore
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, successfully pursuing the goals only happens by their potential
as well as
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the advantages they have taken by themselves.
However
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, one ,in the long term, can suffer from stress-related illness and even mental breakdown
due to
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several obstacles confronted on the way to
succeed
Replace the word
success

The word succeed doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

show examples
.
Secondly
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, societies with equality among humans would indeed bring about benefits to
people
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

's development including their academic backgrounds.
People
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

coming from countries where they share equivalent resources and responsibilities are equally offered a basic academic level.
For instance
Linking Words

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, the American
people
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, regardless of gender and position, can access free education beginning with kindergarten to higher education. Meanwhile, in an unfair society, an invisible barrier deters
people
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It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

from pursuing their objectives because they know that achievements only
favor
Change the spelling
favour

The spelling of favor is a non-British variant. For consistency, consider replacing it with the British English spelling.

show examples
a privileged background. Each person in an egalitarian society
therefore
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

is given the same opportunities to succeed.
To conclude
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, an egalitarian society would have a certain impact on
people
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

's academic premise.
Also
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, there remain both negative and positive features
to
Change preposition
for

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

show examples
those who blend into the free-wheeling life.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that the introduction clearly states your position on the topic and provides an outline of the main points you will discuss.
task achievement
Include more specific and relevant examples to support your arguments and make your essay more persuasive.
lexical resource
Vary your vocabulary and use more precise and specific words to enhance the lexical resource of your essay.
grammatical range
Work on improving the complexity and variety of sentence structures to enhance your grammatical range.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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