In recent years, there has been growing interest in the relationship between equality and personal achievement. Some people believe that individuals can achieve more in egalitarian societies. Others believe that high levels of personal achievement are possible only if individuals are free to succeed or fail according to their individual merits What is your view of the relationship between equality and personal success.

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Many

people

argue that

people

are likely to achieve more in societies with egalitarian principles

while

others take the view that a certain level of achievement comes

along with

individual merits. In my opinion, I completely concur with the idea that egalitarian societies would support one’s achievements and remain a valid concern about the feasibility only if

people

are free to succeed and fail.

Firstly

, a competing environment can lead to more self-accomplishment, but

this

can even demotivate

people

. When offering individuals a free-wheeling life, they will not be judged and not be restrained in the pathway of anyone's success.

Therefore

, successfully pursuing the goals only happens by their potential

as well as

the advantages they have taken by themselves.

However

, one ,in the long term, can suffer from stress-related illness and even mental breakdown

due to

several obstacles confronted on the way to

succeed

Replace the word

success

show examples

Secondly

, societies with equality among humans would indeed bring about benefits to

people

's development including their academic backgrounds.

People

coming from countries where they share equivalent resources and responsibilities are equally offered a basic academic level.

For instance

, the American

people

, regardless of gender and position, can access free education beginning with kindergarten to higher education. Meanwhile, in an unfair society, an invisible barrier deters

people

from pursuing their objectives because they know that achievements only

favor

Change the spelling

favour

show examples

a privileged background. Each person in an egalitarian society

therefore

is given the same opportunities to succeed.

To conclude

, an egalitarian society would have a certain impact on

people

's academic premise.

Also

, there remain both negative and positive features

Change preposition

for

show examples

those who blend into the free-wheeling life.

Submitted by ieltsamiedu on Tue Oct 31 2023

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coherence cohesion

Ensure that the introduction clearly states your position on the topic and provides an outline of the main points you will discuss.

task achievement

Include more specific and relevant examples to support your arguments and make your essay more persuasive.

lexical resource

Vary your vocabulary and use more precise and specific words to enhance the lexical resource of your essay.

grammatical range

Work on improving the complexity and variety of sentence structures to enhance your grammatical range.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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12
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
1
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 6.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 6.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

269 words

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