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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encaurage people torcarisumoless sugar. Do you agres or disagree?

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #encaurage #people #torcarisumoless #agres
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It is believed that snacks and
softdrinks
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soft drinks
 produced contain a huge amount of
sugar
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, making individuals
suffering
Wrong verb form
suffer
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 some health issues.
While
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 I believe that increasing the price of these
products
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 will partly stop
people
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 from consuming more
sugar
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, I would argue that there are other feasible solutions to help
people
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 intake less
sugar
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. On the one hand, it is valid that making sugary
products
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 more expensive will discourage
people
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 from purchasing because
of
Change preposition
for
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 two reasons.
Firstly
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, as the intake of a significant amount of
sugar
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 into
human
Add an article
the human
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 body will cause
Correct article usage
the human's
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human's
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human
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 heart to beat faster than normal,
this
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 is likely to have severe impacts on
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people
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people's
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 health.
As a consequence
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,
by
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apply
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imposing a high tax on sugary
products
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,
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this
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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can make those
products
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 less appealing to consumers.
Secondly
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, because snacks or soft drinks
such
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 as caramelised popcorn or
coke
Capitalize word
Coke
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 are relatively affordable, consumers tend to purchase these as a way to serve their recreational purposes.
Therefore
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, national leaders should increase higher
tax
Fix the agreement mistake
taxes
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 on those
products
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.
On the other hand
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, a range of viable approaches can be taken to minimise the high intake of
sugar
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. The first and immediate action is that since youngsters are the main
customer
Fix the agreement mistake
customers
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 of sugary
products
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, educators
such
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 as teachers should raise students' awareness of how disadvantageous
of
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apply
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these are, and
also
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 promote the importance of outdoor activities.
By
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In
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this
Linking Words
 way, the youth are likely to digest less
sugar
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products
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 in general. The second remedy is that since scientists have invented
sugar
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 alternatives
such
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 as
sweetener
Fix the agreement mistake
sweeteners
show examples
, increasing the price of sugary
products
Use synonyms
 seems not effective anymore.
For example
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,
Coca Cola
Add a hyphen
Coca-Cola
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 company has introduced Coke Zero or Diet Coke
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 contains less or zero
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
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 of
sugar
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. In conclusion, It is true that the increase in the price of
products
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 containing high levels of
sugar
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 will lead to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
less consumption.
However
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, there are the aforementioned solutions that can tackle the issue.
Submitted by ledinhan168 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that all supporting sentences relate to the main idea of the paragraph.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples and evidence to support your main points.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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