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Band 5

In many countries, children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#countries #children #work #people
In a lot of
countries
Add a comma
countries,
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children
 are occupied in something similar to
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
paid
work
.
While
 somebodies consider it totally incorrect, others are convinced
that is
 beneficial
work
 experience. In my opinion,
i
Change the capitalization
I
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 believe that having a paid
work
 job prepare teenagers for their
further
 future life, by building them as
an independent individuals
Correct the article-noun agreement
independent individuals
an independent individual
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.
However
,
this
 may have
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
negative consequences on their childhood. On the one hand, many people consider
work
 for teenagers as a bad idea, and they are quite right. Working
on
Change preposition
in
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a
Correct article usage
the
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 teenage
years
 negatively affects on
child
Change noun form
child's
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 psyche, schedule, school grades, and even relationships with friends.
This
 cause a lot of stress, sometimes even anxiety, that distract
children
 from other aspects of their life.
That is
 why many people conserved about
this
. Take
for example
 teenage
years
,
while
 they have to be well educated, study for their knowledge, and live for
a
Remove the article
apply
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pleasure, they are working,
what
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 takes a huge amount of time and bothers them to make a
completed
Replace the word
complete
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 healthy lifestyle.
On the other hand
, having
work
 experience in
a
Correct article usage
the
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 young
years
 prevents
children
 from a future unloved job, by realising what they are fond of, and making them ready for being an adult and
hard working
Add a hyphen
hard-working
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 individuals.
Furthermore
,
unfortunately
Add a comma
unfortunately,
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 not every teenager
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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choice
Add an article
a choice
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 whether to
work
 or not. Sometimes they just have to do it, in order to help their parents.
For instance
, by saving and serving their parents,
children
 learn to be independent and thankful
from
Change preposition
for
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 a
little
Correct quantifier usage
few
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years
. It shows that bad circumstances can turn into a good lesson as well. In conclusion, getting a job in
young
Correct article usage
the young
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years
 is a very significant step toward becoming an adult that makes
children
 mature.
However
, if it
engage
Change the verb form
engages
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 a lot of time in teenage childhood and
constitute
Change the verb form
constitutes
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 a loss of childish memories, it will have a negative effect, that will harm
young
Correct article usage
the young
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aged
Correct word choice
apply
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mindset
Submitted by tyulyubayeva.ayaulym on

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task achievement
Be more specific in your arguments and provide clear examples to support your points.
coherence cohesion
Ensure coherence and cohesion by organizing your ideas in a logical manner and using appropriate transition words.
lexical resource
Try to use a wider range of vocabulary and avoid repetitive phrases.
grammatical range
Review and practice grammatical structures to improve accuracy and variety in your sentences.
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