IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

The availability of entertainment such as playing electronic games on portable devices will be harmful to individuals in the society they live in. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#availability #entertainment #games #devices #individuals #society
In
this
 day and age, the advent of technology has brought many benefits to our lives. It is undeniable that entertaining activities from technological devices are truly convenient. Yet, many
people
 claim that
such
entertainment
 does more harm than good. From my perspective, I completely agree with
this
 belief.
This
 essay will provide reasons and examples for my support.
Firstly
, it is worth considering that some mobile games encourage antisocial behaviour. To be more specific, it is easy to spot a game that contains inappropriate language and violent scenes.
For instance
, the well-known Fortnite game requires players to use guns or knives to hurt others in order to gain victory.
Consequently
, game users find these actions normal and gradually perform similar behaviour in real life. Especially for young
people
, juvenile delinquency is inevitable.
This
 is a clear example that the negative effects of technological
entertainment
 are tremendous.
Secondly
, overusing portable equipment can make
people
 less sociable and isolated.
Moreover
, it might lead to a decrease in
people
's interpersonal skills.
For example
, rather than going outside, most
people
 decide to stay at home and chat online.
In other words
, they prefer internet-based interaction to face-to-face conversations.
As a result
,
people
 are no longer empowered with communicative and social skills.
Additionally
, the mental health of the public might be significantly affected
due to
 networked
entertainment
. It means that when
people
 choose to indoors more often, they eventually become more reserved.
As a consequence
, they might suffer from social anxiety or depression. To summarise,
while
 some
people
 favour online
entertainment
, some argue that it brings certain disadvantages to our daily lives. I completely agree with
this
 belief. Social misconduct and isolation are some negative effects of over-relying on technological advancement.
Submitted by phamngoclannhu.97 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Ensure that you fully address the task prompt in your introduction and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Organize your ideas logically and clearly throughout the essay.
lexical resource
Use a wider range of vocabulary to enhance your essay.
grammatical range
Attempt to vary your sentence structures to showcase a wider range of grammar.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • detrimental
  • adverse
  • excessive
  • physical and mental health issues
  • dependency
  • hinder
  • social skills development
  • academic performance
  • productivity
  • real-life experiences
  • social interactions
  • addiction
  • gambling
  • harmful behaviors
What to do next:
Look at other essays: