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Band 7.5

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience. Write at least 250 wo

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The pressure on young people to excel academically in today's competitive world is undeniable. Many argue that to meet these demands, non-academic
subjects
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 like physical
education
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 and cookery should be eliminated from school curricula, allowing
students
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 to focus solely on academic pursuits.
However
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, I staunchly disagree with
this
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 perspective.
Firstly
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, non-academic
subjects
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 offer holistic development. Physical
education
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 teaches teamwork, discipline, and the importance of physical health. Cookery classes
instill
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instil
show examples
 valuable life skills, encouraging self-sufficiency and promoting a balanced diet. These skills are integral to personal development and well-being, equipping
students
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 with practical knowledge beyond textbooks.
Secondly
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, not all
students
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 excel academically; some discover their talents in non-academic domains.
For instance
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, a student struggling in mathematics might find solace and confidence in sports or cooking. Removing these
subjects
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 could deprive
such
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students
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 of opportunities to shine and erode their self-esteem.
Moreover
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, non-academic
subjects
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 foster creativity. In a world increasingly reliant on innovation, creativity is a cornerstone skill. Cooking,
for example
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, involves experimenting with
flavors
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flavours
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 and textures, encouraging inventive thinking. Physical
education
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 nurtures strategic thinking and adaptability, vital attributes in various careers.
Lastly
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, these
subjects
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 can
also
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 address academic challenges indirectly. Regular physical activity enhances concentration and reduces stress, potentially improving
overall
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 academic performance.
Similarly
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, learning to cook nutritious meals can positively impact a student's health, leading to better attendance and focus in academic classes. In conclusion, the elimination of non-academic
subjects
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 would be detrimental to the holistic development of young individuals. A balanced
education
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, encompassing both academic and non-academic disciplines, prepares
students
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 not just for exams, but for life, instilling essential skills and values that are indispensable in the real world.
Submitted by grishma1908 on

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Task Response
Your essay provides a clear and strong response to the given task. You thoroughly address the question, presenting your opinion and supporting it with relevant ideas and examples. Well done!
Coherence and Cohesion
While your essay maintains overall coherence and cohesion, there are a few areas where you can improve. Make sure to have a clear and concise introduction that explicitly states your opinion. Additionally, consider using transition words and phrases to improve the flow between paragraphs and ideas.
Lexical Resource
Your use of vocabulary is commendable, with a wide range of words and expressions. However, to further enhance your essay, try incorporating more advanced and varied vocabulary, as well as idiomatic phrases, to add depth and sophistication to your arguments.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Your essay demonstrates a good command of grammar with generally accurate sentence structures. To achieve a higher score, pay attention to sentence construction and ensure consistency in verb tenses, subject-verb agreement, and the appropriate use of articles. Moreover, aim for more varied sentence types, including complex and compound sentences.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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