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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

The percentage of overweight children in Western society has increased by almost 20% in the last 10 years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend.

In today’s world, obesity among
children
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 has risen sharply over the
last
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 decade in Western society, which would be concerning for parents. There are many reasons for youngsters becoming obese,
such
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 as dietary habits and limited physical activity. In the long-term, that could lead to
health
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 problems and learning ability. Being overweight has become a major cause of well-being problems for
children
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 in Western society. Major contributors are poor diets and sedentary lifestyles.
For example
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, consuming fast foods and sugary products is popular in Western society. Another reason is that sitting prolong
while
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 watching television, playing video games, and smartphones, has led to a decline in physical activity among adolescents. These poor diets and habits can have long-term impacts on an individual’s
health
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. The problems may include high blood pressure and other types of diseases,
in particular
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, heart disease, diabetes, respiratory issues, and psychological impact.
Besides
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, these
health
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 concerns can persist into adulthood.
Further
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 to
this
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, the ability to learn in
children
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also
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 decreases
due to
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 the lack of concentration and low energy levels.
Consequently
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, kids who are obese usually have low self-esteem, depression, and social isolation.
To sum up
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, the increase in overweight
children
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 in Western societies over the previous decade is indeed a concerning trend that can be attributed to a complex interplay of various factors. These factors are multifaceted, including changes in lifestyle, dietary habits, and environmental influences.
Moreover
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, the effects of that trend are far-reaching, affecting not only the immediate
health
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 of
children
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 but
also
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 their long-term well-being and the
overall
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 healthcare system.

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task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples or statistics to strengthen your points about dietary habits and their effects.
coherence and cohesion
Try to use a wider range of linking words and phrases to enhance the flow of your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Expand on how each effect relates directly to the initial causes you mentioned to further strengthen the connections in your argument.
task achievement
The essay addresses the question effectively by outlining clear causes and effects of childhood obesity.
coherence and cohesion
There is a good overall structure with a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in understanding the main points.
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