IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Few people devote time to hobbies nowadays. Say why you think this is the case and what effect this has on the individual and society in general.

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In today's world, leisure activities and
favorite
Change the spelling
favourite
show examples
 habits are gradually forgotten from
people
Use synonyms
's lives .
This
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 problem is becoming more widespread in our community these days .
This
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 essay will examine the causes
as well as
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 the effects related to
this
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 tendency. There are a variety of different causes for
this
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 matter .
To begin
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 with, most
people
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 now prefer working to spending
time
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 on their hobbies . The main reason for
this
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 is they think that finances are the most important thing in daily life, so they ignore any entertainment and their own happiness.
For example
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 ,
according to
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 surveys of adults, almost 100
percent
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per cent
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 say that they often use their
time
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 at the workplace more than
parks
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at parks
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 and malls .
In addition
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, another cause is the routine of using social media of the grown person . Recently, the phone or the laptop can bring joy for everyone
by
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through
show examples
 social apps , watching movies and a lot of other things so
people
Use synonyms
 don't need to carry about their habits anymore.
For instance
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, after a long day of work, everybody just wants to go home and spend
time
Use synonyms
 on their mobile devices . Unexpectedly, there are some serious effects to be taken into consideration. The first and
the
Correct article usage
apply
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most important thing is that the health of
people
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 is being destroyed. When adults always focus on work , they will forget to take care of themselves and it can be dangerous for health.
For instance
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,
a
Correct word choice
if a
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grown person does not take
time
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 for exercise ,
therefore
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 the body will be weakened. Another effect no less important is that the community becomes indifferent and cold towards each other because they only communicate via phone . When humans are
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
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engrossed in making money and using social networks unconsciously will directly affect the whole community around us.
For example
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, now everyone is texting and calling
with
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apply
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friends, no more hanging out at the cinema or going to play sports. In conclusion, the amount of
time
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people
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's habits are reduced is a big problem that affects a lot of
people
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 nowadays . It's mainly caused by grown
people
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 who prefer
financial
Replace the word
finances
show examples
 rather than happiness and the joy of social media . From what has been discussed,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
health will be weakened and adults no longer care about loved ones or pay attention to the society they live in .These are the effects that need worrying.

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Task Response
Your essay addresses the question prompt and provides a clear response. However, you could provide more specific examples and evidence to support your arguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion. The logical structure of your paragraphs is generally clear. However, you could improve the transitions between paragraphs to enhance the overall flow of your essay.
Lexical Resource
Your use of vocabulary is appropriate and shows a range of vocabulary. However, you could strive to use more precise and varied vocabulary to make your writing more engaging.
Grammatical Range
Your essay demonstrates a good control of grammar and sentence structure. However, there are some minor grammatical errors that can be corrected with careful proofreading.

The Greeting

Depending on the style and aim of the letter, you will need to adapt your greeting.

Always start an informal letter in the ways:

  • Dear + name
  • Hi / Hello + name

‘Dear...’ is more appropriate, so stick with this.

For a formal letter there are two options for the greeting:

  • Use Dear Sir or Madam if you don’t know the name of the person you are writing to.
  • Use Dear + surname if you do know their name, e.g. Dear Mr Smith or Dear Mrs Jones.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Devote time
  • Hobbies
  • Nowadays
  • Busy
  • Fast-paced
  • Lifestyles
  • Work and career
  • Technology
  • Digital entertainment
  • Limited
  • Free time
  • Lack of motivation
  • Mental wellbeing
  • Physical wellbeing
  • Decreased
  • Social interactions
  • Creativity
  • Self-expression
  • Negative effects
  • Society
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