IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Write about the following topic. Few people devote time to hobbies nowadays. Say why you think this is the case and what effect this has on the individual and society in general. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should write at least 250 words

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Thanks to the real technological revolution some
people
Use synonyms
 spend their
time
Use synonyms
 entertaining. I think there are two causes and a number of damaging effects.
Firstly
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, these days, because of the development of recreational facilities and video games some individuals are addicted to wasting their day on entertainment. As can be seen in all countries, particularly developed countries, there is a wide variety of developed theme parks. So, when these
people
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 go to
such
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 a fantastic place, they forget the
time
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 which results in spending all of their
time
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.
For example
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, there are some
people
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 in my family who spend their
time
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 at their school in these places. Another cause is that rich
people
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 have been providing
this
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 opportunity for their children to access all sorts of facilities, and since it is affordable for them, they don’t have a tendency to find a suitable job for working.
Therefore
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, they can allocate all of their
time
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 to hobbies.
This
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 behaviour is repeated in their life, and it will be known as their customs.
For instance
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, the children of governors in Iran have these customs.
Secondly
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, it is undeniable that it can create negative damage. First of all,
this
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 behaviour among the
people
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 of a country can cause a lot of
problems
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 the important one is reducing the gross domestic product of the country because of the lack of enough individuals to work in industrial factories or in the farmlands.
For example
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, in my hometown, which is situated in the southwestern part of Iran, most of the elder
people
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 are farmers, but their children have never been enthusiastic about doing
such
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 a thing one of the reasons is because spending their
time
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entertain
Replace the word
entertaining
show examples
, so they are not prepared for doing
this
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 hard work. Another effect is on those
people
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 who are wasting
time
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 playing video games.
This
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 kind of popular leisure activity provides obesity, poor eyesight, and spinal-related
problems
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. In conclusion, developing leisure activities and rich families are the key causes behind
this
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 issue.The effect on
people
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 involved economic
problems
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 in their country and physical
problems
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.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and supports it with relevant examples and explanations.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to using appropriate greetings and closings to maintain a formal tone in your writing.
lexical resource
Expand your vocabulary range and use more specific and varied words and phrases.
grammatical range
Work on improving your grammatical accuracy and sentence structure.

The Greeting

Depending on the style and aim of the letter, you will need to adapt your greeting.

Always start an informal letter in the ways:

  • Dear + name
  • Hi / Hello + name

‘Dear...’ is more appropriate, so stick with this.

For a formal letter there are two options for the greeting:

  • Use Dear Sir or Madam if you don’t know the name of the person you are writing to.
  • Use Dear + surname if you do know their name, e.g. Dear Mr Smith or Dear Mrs Jones.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • deprive
  • leisure activities
  • harmful impacts
  • relieve stress
  • enhance productivity
  • boost creativity
  • foster social interactions
  • escape from daily routines
  • pursue one's interests
  • balance work and personal life
What to do next:
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