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Writing Samples /
Band 5

More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people suggest that the solution to this problem is to increase the price of fattening foods. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #price #foods
Overweight
Add a missing verb
Being overweight
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 might be a serious issue nowadays.
However
, I disagree with those who have
opinion
Add an article
the opinion
an opinion
show examples
 that the solution
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
 case is to increase
price
Add an article
the price
show examples
 of
foods
 which consist of high fat, compared with those with
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
other alternatives. On the one hand, the increasing price of fattening
foods
 might be a solution so that
people
 would not tend to buy
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
expensive fattening food. They might think that
to eat
Change the verb form
eating
show examples
 fattening
foods
needed
Wrong verb form
needs
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 maximal effort in the context of gaining money. The pricey fattening
foods
 could
also
 make
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society become to prefer eat
non high-fat
Add a hyphen
non-high-fat
show examples
foods
 so that they consume other nutrient components
along with
avoided by
Wrong verb form
avoiding
show examples
 fatty
foods
. It could
appeared
Change the verb form
appear
show examples
 an awareness about fattening
foods
.
On the other hand
, not all overweight
people
 are poor,
that is
 why
this
 is not an effective method.
Moreover
,
fat
Replace the word
fatty
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foods
 are
also
 needed
for
Change preposition
by
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 some
people
 who
have
Verb problem
are
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 underweight and not all of them are rich,
it
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 will cause
the
Correct article usage
a
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 new problem,
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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called
Correct article usage
the social-economic
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social-economic
Correct your spelling
socioeconomic
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 gap.
In addition
, either the obesity or overweight
people
 could diet if they have the motivation
for being
Change preposition
to be
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 ideal
itself
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
.
For instance
, an overweight person still
try
Change the verb form
tries
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 to make a lot of money to have the pricey fattening food
as
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
they want unless they have an intention
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 reducing their weight. Other methods that should be applied are the campaign
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
healthy
Add an article
a healthy
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 lifestyle,
such
 as exercise regularly, food diet, and so on. In conclusion,
rising
Correct your spelling
raising
show examples
 the price of fatty
foods
 might make
people
 think twice
to buy
Change preposition
about buying
show examples
 fattening
foods
,
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
 it is not an effective approach for making
people
 become aware of
overweight
Correct article usage
the overweight
show examples
 or obesity problem.
Submitted by hwidyadana on

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coherence cohesion
Make sure to clearly state your opinion in the introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • overweight
  • fattening foods
  • calorie-dense
  • healthier food choices
  • taxation
  • economic implications
  • social implications
  • subsidies
  • nutritional education
  • public health campaigns
  • nanny state
  • individual's right
  • consumer behavior
  • preventative measures
What to do next:
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