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Band 6

People today do not feel safe either at home or when they are out. What do you think is the cause of this? What can be done to solve this problem?

#people #home
The safety of humans in today's society is said to be worsening. The fundamental cause of
this
 problem is the sharp increase in
criminals
 in
this
 day and age yet it can be tackled by the government implementing strong punishments toward
offenders
. The principal cause of the feeling unsafe of
people
 when they go outside even though at home is the high crime rate
such
 as robbers or thieves. It must be recognized that the majority of
criminals
 want to have money without working hard. These thoughts come from their laziness and perhaps they hope to have a light occupation with a high salary as a white-collar but they do not have enough conditions like a degree or working experience to apply for a job.
As a consequence
,
offenders
 commit crimes to earn for livelihood in order to survive in society. Take the United States as a clear example here, where residents said that they are nervous and scared everywhere they present because
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the number of
criminals
 is reportedly increasing in their countries.
However
, a solution can be found in the government’s
action
Fix the agreement mistake
actions
show examples
 toward
criminals
. The most effective approach is that heavy punishments should be given to
offenders
 in order to make them remorseful about their crimes and help them have accurate awareness after being released from prison to prevent them from reoffending.
Furthermore
, strong punishments will create a warning to a person who has an intention to commit a crime in the future.
As a result
, these situations will deter the crime rate, remove the unsafe feelings
as well
as
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 ensure the well-being of
people
.
For example
, the level of crimes in Russia is
being declined
Wrong verb form
declining
show examples
 after the
authority
Fix the agreement mistake
authorities
show examples
 have been sentencing strong punishment to law-breakers.
Therefore
, the unsafety of
people
 stems from the light punishment which is given to
criminals
.
Nevertheless
, strongly punishing
offenders
 will ease the unsafe feelings of
people
 when they stay at home or hang out.
Submitted by  11E4 Community on

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task response
Ensure that the essay fully addresses the task question and provides a clear position.
coherence cohesion
Organize the essay effectively with a strong introduction and conclusion.
lexical resource
Expand the range of vocabulary used and utilize more precise and advanced language.
grammatical range
Continue to work on grammatical accuracy, with special attention to sentence structure and verb tenses.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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