IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

The number of ooverweight children in developed countries is increasing. Some people this is due to problems such as the growing number of fast food outlets. Others believe that parents are to blame for not looking after their children's health. To what extent do you agree with these views?

#ooverweight #children #countries #people #food #outlets #parents #health
The rapid increase in overweight children in a country like Sri Lanka can be seen
due to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 many
reasons
. As mentioned in the question it can be caused by
fast moving
Add a hyphen
fast-moving
show examples
food
 outlets and careless
parents
 who do not give attention to their kin's
health
. In my opinion, there could be other
reasons
 as well. But I would agree
on
Change preposition
with
show examples
mentioned
Correct article usage
the mentioned
show examples
 two
reasons
 since they are the main causes.
Firstly
, when compared to the past years, the size of kids
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 rapidly grown. And their
health
also
Add a missing verb
is also
show examples
 worse than their elders.
According to
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
research carried out by university
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
regards to
Wrong verb form
regarding
show examples
this
has
Verb problem
apply
show examples
found
Verb problem
being
show examples
out
Change preposition
apply
show examples
overweight can
be leads
Change the verb form
lead
show examples
 to many
healtj
Correct your spelling
health
 issues and short lives.
However
,
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the first main reason for
this
 is junk
food
.
For instance
, rolls, pastries and many fried short eats. Since
thease
Correct your spelling
these
 contain unwanted fat and oil, it
affect
Change the verb form
affects
show examples
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their
health
.
Secondly
, parent's behaviours can make an impact
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their children's
health
. Nowadays some elders are
Correct quantifier usage
more skuggish
show examples
skuggish
Correct your spelling
sluggish
that
Correct word choice
than
show examples
 previous generations and others are busy
due to
 work.
This
also
 affects the youth. Since their
parents
overloaded
Add a missing verb
are overloaded
show examples
 with work, they tend to buy lunch from outside. So,
parents
also
 indirectly
supporting to
Wrong verb form
support
show examples
 the growth of fast
food
.
On the other hand
,
this
 problem can
resolve
Wrong verb form
be resolved
show examples
 by encouraging healthy
nourishments
Fix the agreement mistake
nourishment
show examples
 and forming campaigns to make
aware
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the public
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 unhealthy
food
 which badly
affect
Change the verb form
affects
show examples
 their
health
.
Moreover
, aware government to prohibit fast
food
 so people
use to
Verb problem
can
show examples
 have home cooking and
healty
Correct your spelling
healthy
 cuisines. In conclusion,
overweight
Replace the word
the obesity
show examples
 problem is rapidly increasing around the world. Mostly in developing countries. From my perspective,
expansion
Correct article usage
the expansion
show examples
 of fast
food
 and carefree
parents
 are the main
reasons
. To avoid
this
 issue,
community
Add an article
the community
a community
show examples
 can encourage home cooking and aware the public the impact of prepackaged
food
.
Submitted by addaragelal on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Make sure to address all parts of the prompt and develop your ideas fully.
coherence cohesion
Organize your ideas logically and clearly throughout the essay. Use appropriate transition words and phrases to connect your ideas.
lexical resource
Expand your vocabulary and use more varied and precise language to express your ideas.
grammatical range
Pay attention to your sentence structures and grammar usage to ensure accuracy and clarity.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: