IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

in many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. some people say an ageing population creates problems for goverments. other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. to what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh this disadvantages

#countries #people #population #goverments #society
I believe most
development
Replace the word
developed
show examples
countries
 can curb their population
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
diffrent
Correct your spelling
different
 age groups and
Correct article usage
the diffrence
show examples
diffrence
Correct your spelling
difference
differences
 between
numbers
Correct article usage
the numbers
show examples
 of these groups is not
to
Replace the word
too
show examples
 much. In a lot of
countries
,
Add an article
a life
the life
show examples
life time
Correct your spelling
lifetime
show examples
 of
people
 has increased. Some
people
 say an increase
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
life time
Correct your spelling
lifetime
show examples
 creates issues for governments. Other
people
 believe it has some plus points to have
older
Correct article usage
an older
show examples
 community.
This
 essay will explore
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 advantages of having elderly
people
 and
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 disadvantages of it. I will start by looking at the advantages, as
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 see it, having older
people
 means having wiser
people
.
For example
, in
countries
 with younger
people
,
crime
Add an article
the crime
show examples
 rate is considerably higher than
older
Change preposition
in older
show examples
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
show examples
 so
crime
Correct article usage
the crime
show examples
 rate is lower.
In addition
,
goverments
Correct your spelling
governments
government
 do not need to provide
a large numbers
Correct the article-noun agreement
a large number
large numbers
show examples
 of police. Turning to the other hand of argument, one of the major
darwbacks
Correct your spelling
drawbacks
 is most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
 who are old cannot work so government has
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of workers. it makes
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 and
people
 decrease their income. Take some
undevelopement
Correct your spelling
undeveloped
countries
 as an example, they do not have enough workers so it causes them cannot progress. Another issue is that these communities are never on the moon and
goal-oriented
Add a missing verb
are goal-oriented
show examples
becuase
Correct your spelling
because
people
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 are older are less active and
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
are not
intrested
Correct your spelling
interested
 in participating
recreational
Change preposition
in recreational
show examples
 activities so
ir
Correct your spelling
it
 affects other
people
 in
country
Add an article
the country
show examples
. All things considered, the growth number of old
people
 occurs
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 some
countries
. We and
goverments
Correct your spelling
governments
government
 have to weigh up the pros of
this
 phenomenon and the cons of it. Personally,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 believe the
negative
Fix the agreement mistake
negatives
show examples
 in terms of reducing
income
Add an article
the income
show examples
 of
people
 and governments eventually outweigh any benefits.
Submitted by behshad_arabzadeh on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
The essay does not fully address the prompt. It is important to clearly state your stand on whether the advantages of having an aging population outweigh the disadvantages.
coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a clear structure and coherence. The ideas are disconnected and the logical flow is unclear.
lexical resource
The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary. There is a need for more varied and precise vocabulary to express ideas.
grammatical range
There are several grammatical errors in the essay. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, tense consistency, and sentence structure.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: