IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Tobacco should be treated as illegal like other drugs. Smoking has not a single positive issue but lots of negative effects and therefore, it should be banned. To what extent do you agree or disagree with the above statement. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your experience.

#tobacco #drugs #lots #effects
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There is no denying the fact that smoking is a significant factor in our society.
While
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 it is a commonly held belief that tobacco has not a single positive issue but lots of negative ones, there is
also
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 an argument that opposes it. In my opinion, I consider that smoking is a serious problem these days, and a
lot
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 of
people
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 are not aware of the perilous effects of smoking.
To begin
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 with, plenty of
people
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 have smoked, especially teenagers
as well as
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 adults who are above 65 years old.
In other words
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, the government has full responsibility to tackle
this
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 problem with help from citizens to curb
this
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 crisis.
In addition
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, we see a
lot
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 of
people
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 being weak and unable to work, or even study.
For example
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, a
lot
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 of diseases appear from smoking in our country,
such
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 as asthma, which attacks the lungs strongly. Another point to consider is that the majority of
people
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 are very cautious about their health and know about the jeopardy of smoking. It is
also
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 possible to say that smoking is not just dangerous for the body; it
also
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 destroys cells of the brain.
Moreover
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, celebrities have a
lot
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 of impact on our children and teenagers to publish and encourage them to take off from smoking.
For instance
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, there is a charity that provides free courses for smokers to assist them in avoiding and quitting smoking. In conclusion, despite
people
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 having different views, I believe that tobacco has become a widespread issue in many countries, and I could not agree more with
this
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 statement, as it is very harmful to our bodies.
Submitted by raghadyaseer2015 on

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task achievement
Incorporate more specific examples or data to support your arguments. This can help in illustrating the negative effects of smoking more vividly.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph is clearly focused on one main idea, to maintain clarity and depth in your argumentation.
coherence cohesion
The essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the discussion on tobacco and its effects.
coherence cohesion
The argument is logically structured with distinct sections explaining why smoking should be treated as illegal, covering health impacts and societal influences.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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