IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 8

The number of people who are at risk of serious health problems due to being overweight is increasing. What is the reason for the growth in overweigh people in society? How can this problem be solved?

#people #risk #health #reason #growth #overweigh #society
Nowadays, A significant number of people are at risk of major health problems because of obesity. In
this
 essay, I will illustrate the primary causes of
this
 issue and how we can tackle them.
To begin
 with obesity, some individuals are eating a
lot
 of junk
food
 regardless of their negative impacts on their health.
This
 sort of
food
 contains a high number of fats and lipids which play a vital role in increasing our weight significantly in a very short period of time. The consequences of these elements contribute to some dangerous diseases like High Blood Pressure, Diabetes and Heart Disease.
For instance
, the number of the public who suffer from
this
 kind of illness is increasing dramatically in a
lot
 of countries like Egypt and KSA.
Moreover
, people whose nature of work is sedentary and are always committed to their chairs most of the time have a big chance of getting
this
 type of disease.
This
 is because, they don't have a great deal of time to do any sort of exercise, and
as a result
, their weight will be increased.
Additionally
, Not only these types of people are in a dangerous situation because of their work, but
also
 those who are following bad habits like smoking and gambling. With regard to solutions for
this
 issue, One of the most essential things to address is practising exercise every day in order to burn out fat and improve the metabolism.
Accordingly
, a
lot
 of doctors recommend practising sports every day to overcome becoming overweight.
Moreover
, getting rid of any sort of bad habits so as not to suffer from the negative effects of obesity in the long run.
Furthermore
, one of the superior approaches is to eat healthy
food
instead
 of fast
food
 because the percentage of fats in
this
 kind of
food
 is a handful. In a nutshell,
Although
 a
lot
 of serious health problems are partially
due to
 overweight, there are alternative ways to overcome
this
 issue.
Submitted by nadeenelkenawy4425 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence and Cohesion
The essay provides a good clear overview, but the paragraphs could be better linked to ensure coherence. Try to use more linking words or phrases like 'In addition, Furthermore, In contrast, etc.' to better connect your ideas and arguments. Also, try to develop your main points a bit more by providing more specific examples or elaborate details.
Task Achievement
The task response is good, however, the essay could be more focused by clearly stating your main argument in the introduction and then re-stating it in the conclusion. Always ensure that all parts of the question are fully addressed.
Lexical Resource
Your lexical resource is commendable, but avoid using some informal language like 'a lot of' repeatedly, substitute this with more formal words or phrases, such as 'myriad, plenty of or a significant number of'.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Your grammatical range is quite good, but there's room for improvement. Try not to start sentences with 'And' or 'But', as it's more formal not to. Also, make sure your subject and verbs agree (e.g., 'the number... is increasing', not 'the number... are increasing').

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • overweight
  • serious health problems
  • unhealthy food
  • sedentary lifestyles
  • physical activity
  • psychological factors
  • stress
  • emotional eating
  • body image
  • eating habits
  • cultural norms
  • portion sizes
  • awareness
  • education
  • nutrition
  • healthy eating
  • dietary choices
  • promoting
  • fruits
  • vegetables
  • whole grains
  • physical activity
  • recreational facilities
  • balanced diets
  • implementing policies
  • food advertising
  • marketing
  • healthcare professionals
  • weight management
What to do next:
Look at other essays: