IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

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Even though, I agree that the consumption of more concentrated
sugar
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 including foodstuffs and beverages has caused various diseases in
people
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. In my point of view, the intake of high
sugar
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-containing items cannot be made less by making their price higher, so I will examine the health hazards caused by extreme getting of calories and why it cannot be minimized by increasing their price tags. To commence with, at present, most
people
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 all over the world have lots of non-communicable diseases because of unhealthy eating habits like eating and drinking sugary things.
For example
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, if someone drinks a cup of Coca-Cola, he is drinking more than five tablespoons of
sugar
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, and
as a result
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, he is susceptible to diabetes, obesity, high blood pressure, etc. Having said that, getting a huge percentage of
sugar
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 from unhealthy
foods
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 leads to many disorders. But, still,
people
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 buy expensive
foods
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 which have lots of calories, even though they are aware of the nutritional facts
,
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apply
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 since it has become an addiction.
For instance
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, Nutella which has a high percentage of
sugar
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, is one of the most popular breakfasts.
However
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,
people
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 purchase those regardless of their high cost.
Thus
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, making the
foods
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 more costly cannot minimize the amount of
sugar
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 individuals eat. In conclusion, most humans nowadays suffer from different health complications
such
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 as diabetes and obesity
due to
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 the wrong diets they take, which I agree too. But, I believe it cannot be corrected by making high-calorie food items expensive. Unless
,
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apply
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 a healthy alternative
instead
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 of
sugar
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 can be added to
foods
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 to make them sweeter.

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coherence cohesion
Provide a more clear and specific thesis statement in the introduction to clearly state your stance on the issue.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and provides supporting evidence or examples.
lexical resource
Use a wider range of vocabulary to enhance your arguments and make your essay more interesting to read.
grammatical range
Pay attention to sentence structure and grammar to improve clarity and coherence in your writing.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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