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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The table shows the Proportions of Pupils Attending Four Secondary School Types between 2000 and 2009. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The table provides information about
pupils
Change noun form
pupils'
pupil's
show examples
attendances
Fix the agreement mistake
attendance
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 in secondary
schools
Use synonyms
 which are divided into 4 groups, for
nine
Correct determiner usage
a
show examples
years
Fix the agreement mistake
year
show examples
 period from 2000
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
to 2009.
Overall
Linking Words
, it can be seen that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 the lowest proportion of pupils had Specialist
Schools
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the highest had Voluntary-controlled and Community
schools
Use synonyms
. In 2000,
Grammar
Correct article usage
the Grammar
show examples
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 had the twice percentage of Specialist
Schools
Use synonyms
 24% and 12% respectively.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, after 5 years, Grammar
Use synonyms
schools
Change noun form
school's
schools'
show examples
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 was
decrased
Correct your spelling
decreased
 by 5% and in 2009 by 7%.
In addition
Linking Words
,
Specialist
Correct article usage
the Specialist
show examples
Schools
Use synonyms
 percentage
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
decrased
Correct your spelling
decreased
 by 1% in each period. Regarding
to
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
the Voluntary-controlled
schools
Use synonyms
 in 2000
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 had more than
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
half
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
pupils. In 2005 was more than a third and in
final
Add an article
the final
show examples
 year it was a fifth of
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
students.
In addition
Linking Words
, Community
schools
Use synonyms
 in
first
Change the article
the first
show examples
 year had more than one in ten and in 2005 less than a third of school children .
Finally
Linking Words
, in 2009 its numbers increased to 58%.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "in addition".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words schools with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "information" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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