IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that exercise is the key to good health while others feel that having balanced diet is more important. Discuss both view and give your own opinion.

#people #exercise #health #diet
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People
Use synonyms
 have different views about whether the best key to good
health
Use synonyms
 is physical activities or healthy meals.
Although
Linking Words
 it can be argued that exercising plays an important role in
people
Use synonyms
's
health
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, I believe that having a balanced diet is a much better choice for
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
.
To begin
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 with, regular
exercises
Fix the agreement mistake
exercise
show examples
 will bring a large number of benefits for
people
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. The top
advantages
Fix the agreement mistake
advantage
show examples
 is that it will help them achieve a disease-free life.
This
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 can be explained by the fact that nowadays, most
people
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 tend to spend too much time sitting in front of the computer to study or work and
this
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 leads to a large number of
health
Use synonyms
 problems for them
such
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 as
headache
Fix the agreement mistake
headaches
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, blood pressure.
However
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, fortunately, they
are
Verb problem
have
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 received many encouragements from their relatives so their
health
Use synonyms
 condition improves significantly another good point of
this
Linking Words
 method is that working out strengthens our bones, which may reduce the risk of osteoporosis at a later age. To illustrate, many experts
advice
Replace the word
advise
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 you to take calcium supplements followed by some physical activities
such
Linking Words
 as jogging,
skipping
Correct word choice
or skipping
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 rope.
Nevertheless
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, I would agree that having
a healthy meals
Correct the article-noun agreement
a healthy meal
healthy meals
show examples
 is the best way for
people
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's
health
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. The first one is that it will be able to reduce the risk of having non-communicable diseases
such
Linking Words
 as heart attack, malignancies extras.
Moreover
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,
this
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 not only helps them reduce diseases but
also
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 has
ability
Change the article
the ability
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 to boost our immune system.
In addition
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, many researchers give evidence that
having
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
junk foods and snacks with fewer nutrients are vulnerable to
disease
Fix the agreement mistake
diseases
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such
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 as cancer,
high
Correct word choice
and high
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 blood pressure.
For instance
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, my uncle used to suffer from high blood pressure and
according to
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doctor’s
Correct article usage
the doctor’s
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 advice he started
eat
Fix the infinitive
to eat
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 healthy meals and now he's
get
Wrong verb form
gotten
show examples
 over
this
Linking Words
 problem. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 exercising may be more beneficial for
people
Use synonyms
, it seems to me that having a balanced diet is a much better option for them.
Submitted by tranthitotam05111983 on

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coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion need to be strengthened. The essay lacks a clear thesis statement.
logical structure
The reasoning is logical, but the introduction and conclusion need to be improved for a more cohesive structure.
task achievement
The response is mostly complete, but the essay lacks clear examples and specific details to support the points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Cardiovascular health
  • Metabolism
  • Chronic diseases
  • Immune system
  • Mental well-being
  • Nutrients
  • Malnutrition
  • Obesity
  • Type 2 diabetes
  • Circulation
  • Nutrient distribution
  • Preventive health
  • Energy levels
  • Balanced diet
  • Essential nutrients
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