IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

some people say that what children watch on TV influences their behaviour,while others say the amount of time children spend watching TV influences their behaviour. discuss both view and give your opinion.

#people #children #tv #influences #behaviour #amount #time
there has been controversy whether about the content of
TV
 shows impacts
children
 more or the time which spending on it. From my perspective, I agree with the first statement and I will discuss both points of view in the following paragraphs. On the one side of the argument, television media has become a popular choice of time spent among adults
as well as
children
. With no control over family members or working parents,
children
 get addicted to shows and do not realize the amount of hours they sit in front of the
TV
.
In other words
, the more
children
 pay heed to
TV
 entertainment shows, the more they stay away from studying.
hence
 it leads to lower marks and weakness.
Therefore
, parents should lend a hand and control their
children
's daily time spent on media.
On the other hand
, it is
also
 true that
TV
 medium
also
 brings good pieces of information and it is a person's responsibility to choose what is best for them. Meanwhile, individuals as a child can not decide on the usefulness of content and again it is on the parent's shoulders to guide their kids to choose the right medium not only for their personal life but
also
 in some cases it has effects on
children
's education. scientific studies,
for instance
, have shown that pupils in bilingual schools who watch
TV
 educational programs
such
 as YouTube can speak a different language compared to other students.
thus
, parents have to be very careful
while
 leaving
children
 alone at home. In conclusion, it seems to me and I believe the medium influences
children
's behaviour and in
this
 way, the elderly family members can observe and encourage them to do physical activities
instead
.
Submitted by sh.sharifpour79 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Provide more specific examples and evidence to support your ideas.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and use linking words to improve coherence.
lexical resource
Expand your vocabulary by using more varied and advanced words and phrases.
grammatical range
Pay attention to sentence structure and grammar to improve accuracy.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: