Social media has become a real problem for young people today, and governments should create law that allow only people over 18 years of age to have accounts. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Social
media
platforms have become integral to the lives of young people. While
there are concerns about their impact, I firmly oppose the idea of implementing laws that restrict social media
access to individuals
above 18 years of age. This
is because such
restrictions could hinder the development of essential soft skills in young individuals
, such
as creativity, and limit their access to vital news sources.
To begin
with, fostering relationships in the workplace can act as a significant stress reliever, particularly in the face of heavy workloads. Frequent light-hearted interactions with colleagues provide individuals
with an opportunity to momentarily escape the stresses associated with their job
. Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
This
boost in morale enhances the overall
mood and motivation of employees, leading to better performance and well-being. By maintaining positive relations with peers, employees are not only more productive, but they also
become more content, resulting in improved output and a positive impact on both the individual and the employer.
Furthermore
, social media
serves as a crucial source of news and information for young people. Limiting their access to this
platform could hinder their awareness of current affairs and social issues. The ability to stay informed about local and global events is essential for the younger generation to develop a sense of responsibility towards their society and nation. For instance
, when a natural disaster occurs in a specific city, young individuals
often learn about it through social media
. This
awareness leads them to organize charity events and actively contribute to relief efforts, thus
shaping a generation that is
not only aware of ongoing issues but also
willing to make a real impact.
In conclusion, while
concerns exist regarding the effects of social media
on young individuals
, imposing restrictions on its use may not be the best approach. Such
measures could limit the development of essential soft skills and diminish the awareness of current events among the youth. Instead
, it is essential for parents and guardians to continuously monitor and guide young people in their social media
usage to ensure a balanced approach.Submitted by elroivan on
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Task Response
The essay presents arguments in favor of one side but fails to fully develop these arguments. This is reflected in the logical structure score (4/9), which indicates a lack of clear progression in ideas. Moreover, the introduction and conclusion are not clearly delineated, resulting in a lower score of 3/9.
Consider structuring your essay with a clear introductory paragraph outlining the main arguments and a conclusion that summarizes the key points and restates your position. Each body paragraph should focus on a single main idea and develop it fully. Provide concrete examples to support your arguments, which in this case, were somewhat vague or generalized, scoring 3/9 on relevant specific examples.
The task achievement criteria indicated that while the response was somewhat complete and ideas were clear, the response lacked comprehensive development of these ideas, scoring 5/9 for both 'complete response' and 'clear comprehensive ideas'.
To improve, offer a more balanced view on the topic by discussing potential drawbacks of unrestricted social media use for young people. This could help to enhance the depth of your argument, making for a more fully realized response.
Coherence and Cohesion
The arguments provided in the essay lack clear logical connectors and cohesive devices, leading to fragmentation in the flow of information. This affects the logical structure of the argument, which is crucial in providing a coherent essay.
To enhance coherence and cohesion, make use of cohesive devices such as 'however', 'furthermore', or 'therefore' to create clear connections between your ideas. Each paragraph should have a clear topic sentence that is then elaborated upon with specific details and linked back to the main argument of the essay.
The provided essay also has an issue with paragraphing and organization. The introduction and conclusion are not explicitly separated from the body paragraphs, which impacts the coherence and structure. Additionally, the main points ought to be well-supported and distinct for each paragraph, which the essay lacks.
Lexical Resource
The lexical resource, which refers to the range and accuracy of the vocabulary used, was not evaluated in this review. For future submissions, ensure to employ a range of vocabulary accurately and appropriately, avoiding repetition and demonstrating control over lexical features.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Grammatical range and accuracy were not assessed in this review. However, for future submissions, be mindful of using a variety of sentence structures, correct punctuation, and accurate grammar to convey your ideas clearly and effectively. Complex sentences and proper use of tenses will be central to achieving a higher score in this criterion.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.
‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.
Examples:
I really want to study but I’m too tired.
I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.
If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.