IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

The use of electronic has a negative effect on personal relationships between people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#effect #relationships #people
Some
people
 believe that the use of technology or appliances has positive sides
whereas
 others do not.
However
, I am one of the
people
 who think that technology has inevitable drawbacks, particularly in relationships between individuals and I agree with
this
 statement. So in
this
 essay, I will delve into
this
 stance.
To begin
 with, we have been using technology undeniably in every aspect of our lives and it has too many disadvantages
besides
 the advantages, especially for youngsters or adolescents.
For instance
, nowadays the young population lacks attention and empathy, dropping self-esteem and emotional connection and they are
also
 struggling with some psychological disorders like social anxiety and bipolar because of the usage and addiction of social media and the internet from a young age.
In addition
, these kinds of things cause disconnection and conflicts within the family, society, and personal relationships. As an example, maintaining a friendship, talking to tons of
people
 or having some face-to-face interactions might include a lot of struggle for those
people
 who have isolated themselves from the crowd and damage their relationships.
Moreover
, those types of individuals are not able to do the work in high-population areas and in front of the stage. Despite the fact that they are aware of their situation,
nonetheless
, they are not doing anything about
this
 circumstance because of their high level of anxiety.
To conclude
, electronic gadgets, virtual communication and the digital world
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 dozens of bad sides and
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 affect
people
's social and interpersonal skills in real life.
Submitted by Ilgım on

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coherence cohesion
The introduction introduces the stance clearly, but the conclusion should summarize the main points and provide a final opinion.
task achievement
There is a lack of specific examples and the response does not fully address the prompt, impacting the overall task achievement.
coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a clear progression of ideas and there are issues with paragraph development.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • electronic devices
  • personal relationships
  • communication
  • social skills
  • face-to-face interaction
  • isolation
  • emotional connection
  • maintain friendships
  • screen time
  • technology addiction
  • social media
  • virtual communication
  • benefits
  • drawbacks
  • interpersonal skills
  • disconnect
  • digital world
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