IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people believe that a good way to reduce crime is longer sentences. Others may think there are alternate ways to this problem. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #crime #sentences
Many people argue that an increased prison time for convicts is a measure proficient at making a safer society,
while
 others
belief
Replace the word
believe
show examples
 that it could
led
Change the verb form
lead
be led
show examples
 to an eruption in violence and fatal consequences for prisoners. I agree with the former viewpoint because security should be a major concern for every society. The biggest disadvantage of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
longer imprisonment is that it will increase the episodes of violence in jails.
Due to
 insufficient resources, it is often difficult to manage more prisoners for the law enforcement agencies
..
Replace the punctuation
.
...
show examples
 Since
longer
Correct article usage
a longer
show examples
 prison sentence implies
more
Fix the agreement mistake
a greater
show examples
 number of criminals, it will amplify the crime rate in prisons.
Therefore
,
increase
Correct article usage
an increase
show examples
 in the duration of punishment significantly boost the violence , resulting in more physical assault cases in those places, which poses
threat
Correct article usage
a threat
show examples
 to prisoners' life and safety alike.
However
, an increased sense of safety among citizens is a positive point of increasing the jail term for anti-social individuals. Many offenders embark on their journey of illegal activities because they are unfazed by the legal consequences of doing so and often get away with
meager
Change the spelling
meagre
show examples
 jail sentences.
Hence
, stretching their imprisonment time,
such
 as 5 years for petty crimes, would Instill
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
fear in them to reconsider their choices meticulously ;
as a result
, could act as
deterrent
Add an article
a deterrent
show examples
. I believe in the
zero tolerance
Add a hyphen
zero-tolerance
show examples
 policy for any crime.
Therefore
, I completely agree that even the smallest of crimes should be punished severely by raising the prison span of
such
 individuals to inculcate heightened sentiments of safety among
general
Add an article
the general
show examples
 populace.
Submitted by rohit.narad90 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Task Response: The essay covers the main points of both views and provides a clear opinion. However, the examples used are not very specific or relevant to the points being made. More specific and relevant examples are needed to fully support the ideas presented.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and Cohesion: The logical structure and the presence of introduction and conclusion are satisfactory. There is a reasonable progression of ideas and linking devices, but the essay could benefit from a more cohesive development of the ideas.
lexical resource
Lexical Resource: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary and uses relevant words and phrases. However, there are some instances of imprecise word choice and awkward phrasing that impact the overall lexical resource.
grammatical range
Grammatical Range: The essay shows a good range of grammatical structures and demonstrates control of a variety of complex structures. However, there are some errors in sentence structure and tense usage that could be improved.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: