IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Social media has become a real problem for some young people today, and governments should create laws that allow only people over 18 years of age to have accounts. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#media #people #governments #laws #years #age #accounts
This days
Change the determiner
This day
These days
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, social communication has become a large part of our day for young and adults, I completely agree with
this
 statement, that it takes up two-thirds of some people’s time when they become addicted to it, and
as a result
, it may negatively affect some people, especially young,
this
 essay will be explained
further
 in the following paragraph. Though we cannot get rid of social media because we communicate with
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
family and friends,
in addition
, we know the news of the world,
however
, we can reduce the use of social media in our daily lives, so that it is only essential and not a waste of the time.
Therefore
, some studies have confirmed that there is an increase in the number of young who have been hospitalized
as a result
 of cutting themselves
due to
 psychological issues caused by the virtual world, to epitome, depression.
On the other hand
, the first responsibility is the family that must monitor their children and put a specific time for using the phone, the second responsibility the government must not allow under the age of 18 to use an account in any application on social media, general way, some young people enter into illegal links and
wibsites
Correct your spelling
websites
web sites
 that may negatively affect their future and their society.
To sum up
,nowadays, no home is devoid of smartphones.
Therefore
, I suggest that parents monitor children and
also
 mentorship them to stay away from suspicious websites.
Likewise
, governments should allow adults only to use accounts and report any account
that is
 under the legal age.
Submitted by sesjej1330 on

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task response
Ensure that the essay clearly addresses the prompt and provides a balanced approach to the argument. Consider presenting a clear thesis statement and developing a well-structured argument with a counter-argument.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical progression of ideas within paragraphs and ensure that there is a clear connection between sentences and paragraphs. Additionally, consider using cohesive devices to enhance coherence and cohesion.
lexical resource
Enhance the range of vocabulary used and ensure that words are used accurately and appropriately. Attempt to use more precise and varied vocabulary to effectively convey ideas.
grammatical range
Pay attention to sentence structure and grammar usage to minimize errors. Use a variety of sentence structures to demonstrate a command of English grammar.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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