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Band 4

Many manufactured food and drinks contain high level of sugars which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drinks #level #sugars #health #products #people #sugar
In today's world, most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
consumables contain processed
sugar
 and
as a result
 of
consuming
Replace the word
consumption
show examples
in
Correct your spelling
is
show examples
 the biggest reason for many
health related
Add a hyphen
health-related
show examples
 issues.
Therfor
Correct your spelling
Therefore
 some
belive
Correct your spelling
believe
show examples
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
that sugary food and drinks should be priced high in order to control
sugar
 consumption.
Eventhough
Correct your spelling
Even
,
I
Correct word choice
though I
show examples
agree that
sugar
products
 are unhealthy, I firmly disagree that
emphazing
Correct your spelling
emphasising
 only on the
price
 alone on processed
sugar
 items
do
Correct subject-verb agreement
does
show examples
 not help to mitigate people buying
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
sweet
products
. In
this
 essay, I will
elloborate
Correct your spelling
explain
 why other factors
also
 should be considered
inorder
Correct your spelling
in order
show examples
 to demotivate customers
buying
Change preposition
from buying
show examples
such
products
.
To begin
 with, consuming processed
sugar
 in high
dosage
Fix the agreement mistake
dosages
show examples
 can cause many individuals to gain
long term
Add a hyphen
long-term
show examples
uncurable
Correct your spelling
incurable
show examples
 diseases
such
 as diabetes, cancer, insulin resistance, infertility, vision problem and many more. As an example, a study proved that many manufactured and imported
products
 available in the Sri Lankan market contain high
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
 of
sugar
contain
Verb problem
apply
show examples
.
As a result
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
,
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
recent research showed that, Sri Lanka has the highest number of diabetes patients
amoung
Correct your spelling
among
around
 the other
south
Capitalize word
South
show examples
asians
Correct your spelling
Asian
 countries.
On the other hand
, the product pricing should be fair for all the buyers irrespective of the customer spending power.
However
, the rich man will still end up buying
sugar
products
eventhough
Correct your spelling
even though
 the
price
 is high.
For example
, Corn flakes are a popular breakfast
opition
Correct your spelling
option
 in many countries, but irrespective of the
price
 still people end up having
corn flakes
Correct your spelling
cornflakes
show examples
 as an easy option for
morning
Add an article
the morning
a morning
show examples
meal
Fix the agreement mistake
meals
show examples
. In my opinion, apart from the pricing
factor
Add a comma
factor,
show examples
 there can be other form of ways to discourage customers
buying
Change preposition
from buying
show examples
high
Add a hyphen
high-sugar
show examples
sugar
products
.
For instance
, educating the public
the
Change preposition
on the
show examples
 adverse
long term
Add a hyphen
long-term
show examples
 effects of
sugar
 through media would help consumers to reduce
sugar
 intake. In a nutshell,
eventhough
Correct your spelling
even though
price
 control on
sugar
products
 should not be the only factor to consider to demotivate the public from purchasing unhealthy
produces
Replace the word
products
show examples
. In conclusion, in today's
world
Add a comma
world,
show examples
 most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
individuals suffer from diabetes or obesity
due to
 consuming high
dosage
Fix the agreement mistake
dosages
show examples
 of
sugar
 which I agree
.
Change preposition
with.
show examples
 But I believe pricing
do
Change the verb form
does
show examples
 not
effect
Correct your spelling
affect
show examples
 consumers purchasing choice
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 unhealthy foods.
Sugar
 is the main ingredient for some foods and drinks but from proper knowledge to
public
Add an article
the public
show examples
 can help people to replace sweet will help to control
sugar
 intake in an individual.
Submitted by shazraibrahimphotography2 on

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task response
The essay partially addresses the task, but it lacks a clear overall opinion and does not fully develop the arguments to support the position.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has some logical structure, but the introduction and conclusion are weak, and the overall coherence and cohesion could be improved.
lexical resource
The lexical resource shows some variety but lacks precision and accuracy in the use of vocabulary and idiomatic expressions.
grammatical range
The essay demonstrates an attempt at a range of complex and simple sentence structures, but there are numerous grammatical errors and awkward phrasings.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Sugar consumption
  • Sin taxes
  • Price elasticity
  • Health implications
  • Obesity
  • Diabetes
  • Dental caries
  • Subsidies
  • Clear labeling
  • Educational campaigns
  • Regressive tax
  • Healthier choices
  • Reformulation
  • Consumer autonomy
  • Dietary choices
  • Sugar tax
  • Heart disease
  • Behavioral economics
  • Public health
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