In many countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that the government should have the responsibility. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In
this
day and age, youngsters in several nations are suffering from
obesity
. In
this
context, some individuals hold the view that the authorities should be in charge of
this
issue. As far as I am concerned, I partly concur with
this
statement. Admittedly, it may be reasonable to a certain extent to put the onus of tackling
children’s
unhealthiness and
obesity
on the
government
. The primary explanation can be attributed to the authorities’ power and resources. To be more specific, those in power have public funds at their disposal and can mobilize human
as well as
financial resources to help improve youngsters’ degrading well-being.
For example
, more public
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
facilities should be provided so as to encourage the young to exercise more, thereby staying in shape.
Additionally
, the
government
can initiate various campaigns to raise
children’s
awareness of leading a healthier life.
In other words
, the
government
should be partly in charge of overweightness and declining
health
among young people.
Nevertheless
, it is
also
undeniable that not only the
government
but
families
and
schools
should
also
take
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
responsibility for alleviating the issue of
children’s
well-being.
Firstly
,
families
should take care of their own offspring’s
health
. As parents are the most intimate people to youngsters, they tend to have the greatest influence on their way of living.
Therefore
, by providing their offspring with nutritious meals and
promoting
Verb problem
encouraging
show examples
them to exercise,
families
can contribute significantly to combating
obesity
.
Secondly
, educators should
also
join their hands in tackling
this
issue. Specifically,
schools
had better integrate knowledge on
nutritions
Fix the agreement mistake
nutrition
show examples
and
health
into curricula so that students can alter their
lifestyle
Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyles
show examples
.
Moreover
, rather than focusing solely on academic subjects, physical education should
also
be put emphasis on so as to improve
children’s
overall
development. These arguments
taken
Wrong verb form
take
show examples
into account,
families
Correct pronoun usage
that families
show examples
and
schools
should
also
be accountable for assisting children in preventing
obesity
and unhealthiness. In conclusion, it is my perspective that
in addition
to the
government
,
families
and
schools
should
also
be liable for alleviating
obesity
and bad
health
among the young.
Submitted by yeshomeclass on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Ensure that the examples provided are directly relevant to the main points and support the arguments effectively.
coherence cohesion
Maintain a consistent and logical progression of ideas and use cohesive devices to connect different parts of the essay more effectively.
lexical resource
Continue to expand the range of vocabulary used, incorporating more varied and precise lexical choices.
grammatical range
Pay attention to more complex sentence structures and grammatical forms to demonstrate a wider range of grammatical structures.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: